Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPeter Griffin Quotes
I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink because I could call it "Chink" and that would be ok.
Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show... you give me wood. Where do we go from here?
Peter: You know somethin' Brian? I bet you'll make the late night monologues.
[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style."
Peter: Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]
Peter: What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!
Peter: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
Joe: He died in Iraq.
Peter: [unemotionally] Sad.
Policeman: [after cuffing Brian for him posessing pot] I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a Family Guy!
Peter: [laughs] He said it!
[says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.
O.J. Simpson: Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: That's my name, don't put a knife in it.
Peter: [in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
Doctor: [laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!
Peter: Okay, what's next?
Doctor: This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny.
Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
Peter: Lois, I've got something better! You know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh my God!
Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!
Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".
Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.
Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
[Peter comes up to the microphone]
Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".
Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Tom: There is a tree by the lake.
Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphixiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.
Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.
Tom: Correct!
