Phil: The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.
Manny: Actually it's not a bunch of crows, it's called a murder.
Phil: I know what I did!

Phil: Remember before we had kids and could just lie in bed all Saturday?
Claire: That's how we got them.
Phil: Why did I have to be so sexy?

Hey I see a couple of old people, this isn't one of those catheter commercials is it? Because if it gets too descriptive I'm gonna start to squirm. Oooh I just did it to myself.

Phil: Little heads up, there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.
Claire: Phil you cried on the way here.

That's it a beautiful mind, harness that crazy into something positive.

Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire or fear how much I love her.

Claire: Do you remember when summer meant fireflies, cut off shorts, and ice cream trucks?
Phil: Well we got one out of three!

When my dad is ready he gets to pick his own girlfriend, that's the big upside to your wife dying. Also not having to think before you speak.

I know that tone. You're making a point.

Phil: How low can you go?
Haley: I'm at a roller rink with my family on a Saturday night. I win!

You've just gotta tell him man to man, woman to man, you're very shapely.

Claire: You have dumb ideas.
Phil: Name one...that went on for awhile.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said