Favorite Principal Skinner Quotes
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Ralph: What's a battle?
Principal Skinner: Hahahaha, lets go.
Superintendent Chalmers: Did that boy say what's a battle?
Principal Skinner: No he said What's that rattle, it's about the heating duct.
Superintendent Chalmers: Hmm, it sounded like battle.
Principal Skinner: I've had a cold, so--
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh so you hear r's as b's?
Ralph: Mr. Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I went there. Yay, my turn is over.
Principal Skinner: One of your best Ralph.
Principal Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Principal Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done!
Principal Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder. If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Bart Simpson, that is a rebuilt Yugoslavian engine and there's not even a Yugoslavia anymore. Bring it back at once.
(to Lisa) Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket. That's why they call me "Two Basket Skinner." (pause) What? They do.
Lisa, one of the hardest jobs I have is throwing cold water on young children's dreams. Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
Principal Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum!
Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.
Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Cloneasaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through-- (passage of time) --it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had-- (passage of time) --most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
(Principal Skinner finally stands up to Bart's peanut threats.)
Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
(Principal Skinner holds up a stick with a shrimp attached to it.)
Bart: No! I'm allergic!
(Bart holds up his stick with a peanut attached to it.)
Principal Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
Bart: No one teaches me history!
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.