New Girl
Tuesdays 8:30 PM on FOXFavorite Schmidt Quotes
I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.
Cece: You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you.
I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap like a common ranch hand.
What am I looking at here? Robbie, man to man, you didn't want to wear something a little more form-flattering, maybe like a pile of towels? Or the number 8?
Schmidt [about Rob's green spandex]
Schmidt: I don't know what is allowed in the cold-hearted Republic of Nick Miller, but I do know how I feel. And I know how much you love cookies. And I saw it there behind the glass and thought, "Nick Miller. I'm gonna buy that, man."
Nick: If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie shape, and shove it down your throat.
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: That's not what I-
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie. You're not mama-birdin' anybody anything!
We sold our qualms. We used the profits to buy perfect bodies.
Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?
Schmidt: Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I've got a twist ending for you: shut up
I may not be Abraham Lincoln. But I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight.
Cece:Do you have any agave?
Schmidt: We might have some pressed lentils syrups in the mixin's cabinet.
Schmidt: No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.
She's older--MUCH older--DEEPLY Korean.
