New Girl
Tuesdays 8:30 PM on FOXSchmidt Quotes
Nick: What was that? Did you just grunt at me?
Schmidt: It wasn't a grunt, it was a hrmph.
Nick: A hrmph sounds like this - huh-rumph.
Schmidt: Sorry you took it the wrong way, it was not a grunt.
Nick: Serena Williams, that was a grunt.
Nick: Hey, do you think Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess — even though I had that name picked out before she moved in?
Schmidt: A turtle?
Nick: Thinkin' man's best friend, Schmidt-y.
Schmidt: In our home? Over my turtle disease-ridden dead body.
Schmidt: What about the turtle?
Nick: You're the turtle in my life.
If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. Hello, Robot Sex.
Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.
Nick: Let's just say, we live in a world where time exists. If that's the case-
Schmidt: 1. Marie Antoinette. 2 Cleopatra 3. Young Ann Margret 4. Old Ann Margret -
Nick: Would you shut up, you clown!
Winston, your sister got so hot! I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her! May I have your blessing? Because I'm gonna be like dribbling up the court, illegal sexual foul - boom! Illegal use of hands - boom!
Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Shot girl: I graduated from MIT then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.
Can you believe the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, "Look at that guy. He couldn't even get a big cat".
Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...
Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?
When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.
