The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBS
The big bang theory
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Sheldon: You won the Nobel prize, what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of "what has Smoot done lately?" My thought is we continue my research as team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical.. When we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top
Dr. Smoot: With all due respect, Dr Cooper, are you on crack?
Sheldon: Fine, Smoot-Cooper, what a diva

Leonard: Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens.

Leonard: You know what baffles me Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, I could guess any number of things

You know, I've given the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.

Penny: No, I can't. Sheldon, honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be 'weird' if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rainwater?

Penny: Wow, you've got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That's why it's guarded by snakes.

Raj: If you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying

Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone, and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Employee: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Here. [gives woman gift basket] Now, are we friends, colleagues, lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Employee: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Wolowitz: See, sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.

Sheldon: I need to know exactly what Leonard did to get you to put an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang, in which I'm beginning to get remarkable fluency

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He's having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet

It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and—as it always has—rock crushes scissors

I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion

Displaying quotes 625 - 636 of 760 in total

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch.

Sheldon