South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralFavorite Stan Marsh Quotes
Stan: I'm tired Grandpa.
Grandpa: No Billy, you're gonna stay here and watch more McGyver, we gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag nasties outta ya.
Stan: Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our saviour!
Stan: Holy Crap Dude, Satan's huge!
Jimbo: Now that's is the guy who has been eating a lot of beef.
Cartman: Hey, you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Have you guys ever heard of (slyly) Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: What-butt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb at the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed like how?
Cartman: Well... On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook?
Kyle: A knife!
Cartman: No. A piece of celery...
Stan: Celery??
Cartman: Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy?! Damn it, Cartman! That's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"?? (continues) Anyway, he lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... (imitates weaving sounds)
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories!
Kyle: Yeah! Give me that flashlight!
Cartman: I hate Barbra Streisand! I HATE her! Make her go away!
Stan: My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are. Aren't there, Chef?
Mr. Mackey: Hi boys!
Stan and Kyle: (imitating Mackey) Hello, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Have you boys been sure to pass gas so that you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle: We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Well let me show you. (pats his butt) Oooh, baby, come on.
(Mr. Mackey farts and boys cover their noses and mouths)
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Stan: Sick, dude!
Mr. Mackey: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night. (giggles)
Kyle: Dude, I think you pulled mud.
Mr. Mackey: So you know you need to do that regularly, mmmkay.
Stan: Okay, okay, just go away. (Mackey goes away) Dude, that was not cool at all.
Stan: Dude, Chef is gone.
Kyle: No more Chef.
Cartman: No more salisbury steak and pecan pie. (sobs)
Stan: Think you can hit the target, Pip?
Pip: Of course. I'll have you know I was Archery Esquire at Straffordshire.
Stan: Be sure to hit something nice and solid now.
(Pip hits the back of Barbrady's head.)
Cartman: (to Kenny) Goddamn it poor people suck. Your family is already on welfare and now you're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are churning out babies, adding to the population and then expecting ME to pay for it with MY tax dollars.
Stan: You don't pay tax dollars Cartman, you're 8.
Cartman: HA! (whacks the Bookmobile driver)
Bookmobile driver: Ow, that hurt!
Stan: Whoa dude! Cartman!
Officer Barbrady: No, that is not how you uphold the law!
Cartman: But he is not listening to my authoritah!
Officer Barbrady: Oh, you're doing it all wrong my little friend. You do it like this. (whacks the bookmobile driver in the head) You gotta get them in the head; they go down quicker.
Randy Marsh: Hey, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?
Jimbo: What!?
Randy: Well, I just, I have this buddy, uh, he sat and watched this other guy play with himself.
Guest: Well, let's go kick his ass.
Kyle: Cartman doesn't always win. He just gets pissed off and goes home, so we can't debate anymore.
Class: Yeah!
Cartman: Nuh-uh, I'm just a better debater than you guys.
Stan: You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!
Cartman: Yes I do!
Craig: No, you don't!
Cartman: OH YEAH?!! WELL SCREW YOU GUYS! I'M GOING HOME!
Kyle: Told you.
