Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXStewie Griffin Quotes
(The family returns home)
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
(a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie)
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long have you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. (Hits Peter in the knees, and drags him over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head) Look, Look, do you like it?!
Peter: (scared) Yes.
Stewie: What do you like about it specifically?!
Peter: (scared) I don't know.
Stewie: Pick something or I'll blow your brains out!
Peter: (scared) I like... how it looks like an owl.
Stewie: Thank you for the compliment!
Won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God the media will be all over that.
Simon: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie: Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson.
Simon: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie: Ok.
Simon: Stewie you shouldn't actually even be alive you slithering little creep. I hate you so much I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie: Alright.
Paula: Honey I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
Randy: Yo dawg, I gotta tell you for me man that was not even half good dude. You can't sing. What are you doing Stewie?
Stewie: I don't even care. They don't know what they's talking 'bout. Next time they hear about me they's, they's gonna be like 'we was wrong 'bout Stewie'. Cuz, cuz I gonna be huge. I, I'm gonna be bigger than everyone of all ya'll.
Stewie: (to Stan Smith) I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan: What? It's Stan.
Stewie: Oh, sorry. You look sort of like someone from- Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.
(Brian and Stewie back out of the driveway)
Stewie: Oooh, there's Joe. Say "Joe, I think you're cool."
Brian: Joe, I think you're cool.
Joe: Well, thank you Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
Stewie: No, just kidding, you suck.
Brian: (to Joe) No, just kidding, you suck.
Stewie: Queer.
Brian: (to Joe) Queer. (Brian drives away)
Joe: Ah, well there goes my smile.
"Little List" Lyrics
Stewie: As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's the white kid with the baggy clothes who's talking like hes black,
The girl you date who doesn't get the jokes in Caddyshack.
The Asian guy who cuts in front of every single line,
And Britney Spears for accidentally showing her va-gine.
And Bill 'O Reilly's ineffective dermatologist,
May none of them be missed, may none of them be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list.
And may none of them be missed,
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy behind the news reporter waving like a fool,
And senator Bill Frist, I've got him on the list.
And the fat kid smiling warmly while hes peeing in the pool,
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the foul smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage,
And every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage.
And while we are on the subject, HBO deserves a whack,
For ending the Sopranos with a f***ing cut to black.
And guys who when you shake there hand just bump you with there fist,
I don't think they'd be missed, I'm sure they'd not be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy who sits beside you and keeps farting on the plane,
And Shakira's lyricist, I've got him on the list.
And the smarty on thanks giving who says its the "trip to fame,"
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the blonde who tells you loudly with a voice just like a knife,
"You know someone should do a sitcom based around my life!"
The guy who watched The Simpsons back in 1994,
And wont admit the damn thing isn't funny anymore.
And a-ny-one and everyone who's ever... made me... pissed!
Social Security Guards:(Made me pissed, made me pissed, made me really really pissed!)
Stewie: I've got them on the list,
May none... of them... be... missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
Stewie: May none... of them... be... missed!
Solo Guard: None of them be missed.
Brian: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. (Stewie gets out of the simulation chair) What are you doing?
Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the Fat Man not taking me with them?
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Brian: Yeah? How'd that go?
Stewie: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world yet.
Brian: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Stewie: Yes, that's correct.
Brian: So, it was sort of like a dream?
Stewie: No, it was a simulation.
Brian: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Stewie: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
Brian: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way.
(Brian leaves)
Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen-- (the screen goes black like Stewie described)
Stewie: (looking in the barrel of a shotgun) Go ahead, mother! Do it! Shoot me! Shoot your little baby Stewie!
Lois: (dramatic pause; her arm holding the gun shakes then she drops on her knees, dropping the gun) I can't do it! You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you.
Stewie: Well, that works out perfectly because I CAN HURT YOU! (grabs the gun and aims at Lois' face) Say hi to Cleveland for me! Oh, and Mr. Weed.
(dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun)
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?
Stewie: What do you want your alias to be?
Brian: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna -
(Stewie holds gun to Brian's head)
Stewie(yelling): Pick a name for yourself!
Brian: Willem Dafoe.
Stewie: Ew, not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.
(cut to scene of Stewie in bed)
Willem Dafoe: Hey, you asleep yet?
Stewie: Uhh...no.
Willem Dafoe: Just checking.
Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois's death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you - Stewie, did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I just poop and fall asleep.
Brian: Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.
(Stewie's head has spun half way around)
Stewie: Oh God, I really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that accupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that Brian. But seriously, get that number.
Brian: Well, I am going to expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes. You are gonna pay for this!
Farewell Brian, I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen; sperm whales and seamen. Oooh, a swallow.
I did it! She's dead! (runs down the boat,laughing. He suddenly falls) Ow ow! (begins crying) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (realizes) Oh, yeah. That's right.
