Stewie Griffin Quotes
Stewie: I think I'm in love with Julie. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my bandaid start to peel off.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: I'm talking about the thing. I gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking, I just push it in like a button and put a bandaid over it.
Brian: What kind of bandaid?
Stewie: A big one, big giant one. Nah, just one of those dots you put on a shot.
Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!
Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan, he's (pause) your son.
Stewie: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Stewie: You need more than that, you need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.Brian: Really?Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.Brian: What?Stewie: Saw me in half.
Brian; So, Dylan... shouldn't you be in school?
Dylan: I dunno.
Brian: It's Wednesday.
Dylan: Up yours!
Stewie: Nice kid.
Brian: Don't worry, I got it under control Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
(conversation is heard over the monitor)
Stewie: Hey Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie: Oh just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here, now all I need is a tea bag. That something that interests you my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your f***ing pants off!
Dylan: I'm outta here.
Stewie: Huh, did you see that Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin huh? Gee whiz.
Stewie: Say Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen year old son, when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what Stewie, If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
Stewie: So, what happened sport? Come on, talk to your pal Stewie.
Brian: Alright, but only because I've gotta tell somebody. I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.
Stewie: So, you finally did it huh? Well look Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero man. I mean I just wrecked that thing on the way out, and just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall. Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks was here."
Brian: We didn't have sex.
Stewie: Of course with Chris going before me I pretty much just walked outta there. Didn't even have to stoop over. There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.
Brian: You're exaggerating.
Stewie: Only a little bit! That's the messed up thing.
Peter: What the hell? Where's my wallet? Ah crap, I must have dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.
Stewie: Dropped it at the what and where was I?
Brian: Listen, I need your help, go run into and give me a pair of scissors.
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because, you made me watch those two girls and a cup.
(Flashbacks to the incident)
Stewie: Okay, wait. What is this now?
Brian: Just watch.
Stewie: Why are we taping my reactions. (about the camera)
Brian: Just watch.
(Turns to the computer)
Stewie: Okay, they're lesbians clearly.
(Stewie reacts to the video, disgusted, as Brian starts to laugh)
Stewie: Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.