Brian: Listen, I need your help, go run into and give me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: No!
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because, you made me watch those two girls and a cup.
(Flashbacks to the incident)
Stewie: Okay, wait. What is this now?
Brian: Just watch.
Stewie: Why are we taping my reactions. (about the camera)
Brian: Just watch.
(Turns to the computer)
Stewie: Okay, they're lesbians clearly.
(Stewie reacts to the video, disgusted, as Brian starts to laugh)

Stewie: Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Brian: Really!?
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.
Brian: Ohh.

Stewie: Well Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter-ego Zack Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one, congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know I have a date with Connie D'amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? Because I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think "gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side view mirrors, and sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I always guessed.

Stewie: (after watching One Tree Hill) God these high school students are lame. I'm a freaking baby, and I'm cooler than they are.
Brian: What the hell do you know about high school?
Stewie: Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate. If you plopped me in the middle of a high school, I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Brian: Really, would you care to place a wager on that?
Stewie: Absolutely, what are the stakes?
Brian: Okay, if I win, and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight second inhale.
Stewie: Okay, it's a bet.
Brian: Great.
Stewie: Kiss on it?
Brian: What?

(after they blow the house up)
Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie: He left. I'm pretty sure he left.
Brian: Isn't that his truck?
Stewie: Well, by God Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to doggy hell.
(Cuts to Hell. The Devil is scaring dogs with a vacuum cleaner)

Stewie: Alright Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie, I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay.
(Stewie walks away, is heard over the walkie-talkie)
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you are finished talking. Over.
Brian: (sighs) What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Nooooo what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, If you haven't started feeding it, why'd ya ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said why did ya ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it. Over.
Stewie: Oh that's better, I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You've got to finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it, my sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- wait a minute. I have to say over, even if the sentence ends with the word over?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.
(the wire descends through the wall)
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: Over! (yanks on the wire, pulling Stewie down with it)

Stewie: Hey, Brian, knock knock!
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: (whispering) Two friends, building a house together.

(about Meg's wedding dress) Look at her fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine!

Lois: Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.
Peter: I threw it away.
Stewie: What?! What the hell man I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?
Lois: Peter, why would you do that?
Peter: Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children!

Lois: Peter, why are you wearing that suit?
Stewie: Yes, you look like the statue of liberty's pimp.
(Stewie and Brian share a High-five)

"Little List" Lyrics
Stewie: As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
There's the white kid with the baggy clothes who's talking like hes black,
The girl you date who doesn't get the jokes in Caddyshack.
The Asian guy who cuts in front of every single line,
And Britney Spears for accidentally showing her va-gine.
And Bill 'O Reilly's ineffective dermatologist,
May none of them be missed, may none of them be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list.
And may none of them be missed,
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy behind the news reporter waving like a fool,
And senator Bill Frist, I've got him on the list.
And the fat kid smiling warmly while hes peeing in the pool,
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the foul smelling boy who comes to school in camouflage,
And every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage.
And while we are on the subject, HBO deserves a whack,
For ending the Sopranos with a f***ing cut to black.
And guys who when you shake there hand just bump you with there fist,
I don't think they'd be missed, I'm sure they'd not be missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
May none of them be missed.
Stewie: There's the guy who sits beside you and keeps farting on the plane,
And Shakira's lyricist, I've got him on the list.
And the smarty on thanks giving who says its the "trip to fame,"
He never would be missed, he never would be missed!
There's the blonde who tells you loudly with a voice just like a knife,
"You know someone should do a sitcom based around my life!"
The guy who watched The Simpsons back in 1994,
And wont admit the damn thing isn't funny anymore.
And a-ny-one and everyone who's ever... made me... pissed!
Social Security Guards:(Made me pissed, made me pissed, made me really really pissed!)
Stewie: I've got them on the list,
May none... of them... be... missed!
Social Security Guards: He's got them on the list,
He's got them on the list,
And may none of them be missed.
Stewie: May none... of them... be... missed!
Solo Guard: None of them be missed.

Brian: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. (Stewie gets out of the simulation chair) What are you doing?
Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the Fat Man not taking me with them?
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Brian: Yeah? How'd that go?
Stewie: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world yet.
Brian: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Stewie: Yes, that's correct.
Brian: So, it was sort of like a dream?
Stewie: No, it was a simulation.
Brian: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Stewie: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
Brian: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way.
(Brian leaves)
Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen-- (the screen goes black like Stewie described)

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)