Lois: Oh I'm not doing anything special, just sitting here with the baby.
Stewie: Screw you too.

Did you hear about your ex-husband yet? He's had a procedure.

Quagmire: Where do you get off?!
Stewie: Pretty much everywhere I hear. Fat man's right -- they're making this easy.

Stewie: Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs.
Brian: Nope.
Stewie: Oh, well you'll tell me if I get it right?

Wait, hold on Brian, everyone deserves a proper funeral. Why do you think we're saving that VCR box in the basement?

Stewie: Hey Brian, show her your Boost mobil phone.
Brian: Stewie has AIDs.

Stewie: Boy in a truck to young to drive
Choir: Sing what you see!

I'm gonna take a year off, hit the road, and live life to the fullest!

Brian: I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock - but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.
Stewie: Hey! We have fun.

Stewie: I've been approaching this far too intelligently. He's an idiot, so this shouldn't be hard at all! Hey Brian, you want to go see Doctor Hartman and get that procedure where you get two weiners?
Brian: Whoa, hell yeah! That way when I watch Black Swan, I can aim one at that Natalie Portman, and aim the other one at -
Stewie: Yes, yes, yes, we all know who the other one was.

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie: Because right now, you're about as useless as Black Widow is to the Avengers.
Captain America: So what's your superpower again?
Black Widow: I can kick.
Captain America: Right…so, uh, who else here can kick? Hulk stop being nice.

Family Guy Quotes

[when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

Cleveland

Simon: Nice effort Brad, but let's remember our performance hierarchy: legitimate theatre, musical theatre, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime