Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.

Stewie: How long have you been there?
Chris: Long enough to know that you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear.
Stewie: HE does weird stuff; I just don't stop him.

You've got herpes, too? This house is like backstage at a Whitesnake concert.

Oh my god, look at you! You're more herpes than dog!

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Dammit Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good.

How does it feel to be the least-cultured person at a bus station?

Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Look, it's not like we've got a lot to live for. I'm just going to end up like Chris, only I'll be smart enough to realize how miserable I am.

The porn is free but we have to watch it in the lobby.

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)