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Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you
- Permalink: Would you like a piece of candy? I smell death on you
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck, when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie: You suck!
- Permalink: You know you're a redneck, when your gun rack has a gun rack on ...
Criminal [on TV]: First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good Lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?
- Permalink: First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chri...
Stewie: Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois: Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want. You know I look good
- Permalink: Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Y...
How ya doin' there, Big Guy? You holdin' up okay? You wanna sooda? ...Ah, screw it, I tried
- Permalink: How ya doin' there, Big Guy? You holdin' up okay? You wanna sood...
Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn and turn, until, whoop, big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside
- Permalink: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you. Oh l...
Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Uhh... we're playing House.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's House
- Permalink: What's going on down here? Uhh... we're playing House. That ...
Stewie [imitating Brian]: I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio, but am not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug in front of the door.
Brian [imitating Stewie]: I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I fall for a rough trick named Jim
- Permalink: I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio, b...
Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom! Chris put his foot on my side again!
Chris: I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.
Meg: Move it!
Stewie: Meg, stop your whining. Chris, stay on your own side. Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!
- Permalink: Chris, quit it! Mom! Chris put his foot on my side again! I ca...
Lois: Excuse me, we were about to use that.
Lady: You snooze, you lose, lady.
Lois: You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do.
Stewie: Woohoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside
- Permalink: Excuse me, we were about to use that. You snooze, you lose, la...
Brian: What about the "writing angry letters and not sending them" exercise?
Peter: Aw geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?
Meg: Look, I got a letter from dad! Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat. Dad!
Stewie: Dear Stewie, get out. Oh, that's nice.
Lois: Mine just says Dear Lois, and after that it looks like someone just spit on the paper
- Permalink: What about the writing angry letters and not sending them exerci...
Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?
- Permalink: Everybody! Guess what I am? Hmm, the end result of a drunken b...