Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie: So Olivia... beautiful day.
Olivia: You're not gonna fart again are you?
Stewie: Well I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch

Stewie: Ah-hah! So they do make bigger diapers. That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there: lazy, slothful, porcelain lay-about, feeding on other people's doo doos while contributing nothing of its own to society. You get a job!

By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins

Meg: I'm sure the money clip will be safe in my room.
Stewie: I'm sure it will be lost throughout the pictures of Justin Timberlake or Tom Cruise or ... blast, who the devil do teenagers like ... or Morgan Freeman

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you

Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck, when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie: You suck!

Criminal [on TV]: First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
[Everyone gasps]
Stewie: Good Lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Stewie: Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois: Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want. You know I look good

How ya doin' there, Big Guy? You holdin' up okay? You wanna sooda? ...Ah, screw it, I tried

Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn and turn, until, whoop, big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Uhh... we're playing House.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's House

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley