Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie. Here, hold this bag for Mommy.
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting, Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I just might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson! [attempts to put bag on his head, but fails because it's too large] Here I go, just like that boy from INXS. I'm going to do it...I'm going to do it... [quits] Blast! Good lord, woman, either I was a C-section, or you're Wonder Woman.

I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place is a sausage fest.

Peter, Peter! There's so much doodie in here.. I can't take it anymore.... I haven't eaten in four days cause... I just can't fit anymore in there. Help me.

Brian: Wait a sec, just to prove a point to me, you burned down a liquor store and murdered a dog?
Stewie: Just a stray.
Brian: ....Thank You.

Lois: That's a great idea, maybe you can join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: what?
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No I'm not, I'm Catholic.
Stewie: Are we really doing this?

Brian: I can't believe our society values the life of a dog less than a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and then chew on your balls for an hour.

Stewie [on the phone]: You're the new housekeeper aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: I don't want to point fingers but I'm missing about thousand dollars of play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie: What? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie: Then give it back.
Consuela: Come get it, bitch.

Oh Mr. Swanson is sleep crawling again.

Why's she wearing make up like she's going out? Is this going out for them?

Sorry I was out of it. I'm sorry are we being robbed?

Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and doughnut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarettes.

Hey will you take me down to Baby Gap? I want to dress like a small douche.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off

Stewie