The Janitor Quotes
Janitor: No better pick-me-up than a slice of Mom's pie!
J.D.: Why are you so obsessed with this?
Janitor: I dunno. I think it's 'cause this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor digs in and takes a bite.
Janitor: Really.
J.D. takes the fork and has a bite.
Janitor: Huh?
Cut to Men's Room
J.D.: Who would do this to themselves?
Janitor: Totally worth it.
J.D.'s Narration: As every piece of food I'd put into my body in the last year was rushing out of me, it got me thinking.
Janitor: Who's ready for a pie break?
J.D.: No!
Janitor: Come on, why not?
J.D.: Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea, he's been on an I.V. drip for thirty-six hours!
Todd: Make-it-stop five?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!
Janitor: You paged me in the middle of a busy day! This better be important!
Dr. Kelso: What were you doing?
Janitor: Sleeping in a mop closet.
Dr. Kelso: That's not yours! That's my car thing! You just painted it!
Janitor: I did not!
Dr. Kelso: You've got green paint on your face!
Janitor: I do n- Well, that's not paint, that's...pudding.
Janitor: Aaaand finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid - it was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.
Doug: It's beautiful. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.
Janitor: A month.
Doug: A what?
Janitor: Yeah, I worked too hard on this - you can take 'em off in a month.
Doug: I'll call my orthopedist.
Janitor: I know we haven't care of that whole asbestos thing from the '90s, and I know some toilets flush upward...
Dr. Kelso: Get to the point. My battery power's running low.
Janitor: The one thing that I'm proud of is that these floors are so clean you could eat off of 'em.
Dr. Kelso: Why is that?
Flashback
Janitor's Mom: If you're going to throw food on the floor, you can just eat there from now on.
End Flashback
Janitor: Soup night was the worst.
Janitor: And it's no good to hide it from me, 'cause I got keys to everything. Except the third floor mental ward. Someone stole that one.
Dr. Kelso: Was he smoking a gavel?
Janitor: Seemed to be.
Dennis: (On phone) Thank you. (Hangs up) I just got my sister into the hospital across town so I can finally get her out of this hell-hole.
Dr. Kelso: Hey! I personally see to it that every inch of this building is up to the highest standards and codes!
(Just then a stream of escaped rats scurry past his feet)
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just bad timing!
(The Janitor chases after with a baseball bat)
Janitor: Come back here! Sorry!
Janitor: Elliot. My neighbor fainted too! Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing - I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor. I thought we were done with this?
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Ugh. Just...put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall!
(Panting) They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!
Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...
Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you...
Jake: Bag of rats? Those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle, that way all the live ones get a good look at him, they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
