Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Coming up next? A boxing match where boxers are bleeding before the fight.

Tom Tucker: Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Where's Diane, Ollie?
Ollie: She dead!

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie.

The same thing happened to me... but with a mustache.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.

Tom Tucker: Good Evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams, recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time Ollie?
Ollie: (yelling) Stewie killed Lois!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter got blamed!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter went to court!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Lois came back!
Tom: How?
Ollie: (yelling) Wasn't really dead!
Tom: Thanks Ollie, and now part two.

Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.

Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me Diane, when was the last time you--ah, forget it.

Tom Tucker: In other Pseudo-Scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview.
RJ: I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake, but suddenly she yelled. So I looked up and was Big Foot.
Tom Tucker: So what happened next?
RJ: Then I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
(cuts to pageant, Bill is sitting in the audience, two heavy-set women are on the runway)
Bill Clinton: Now that's a cankle! Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows, that's the fun.

Tom Tucker: Some new developments on the Flight 209 trauma. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Whoops, well thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet Chung King can land an anchorman in hot water.

Tom Tucker: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Peter: (From recording) Uh, hello, ground people? Uh, we, we got a little problem up here. Uh, we need some help or we're gonna crash... So, uh, that being the case, um... is it cool if I shut off "Last Holiday?" It seems unfair that the last thing these people might see is a mediocre comedy featuring Queen Latifah on skis. (Laughing) Cleveland look, she just fell over! She can't stand up on those things.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 50 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)