Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Coming up next? A boxing match where boxers are bleeding before the fight.

Tom Tucker: Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Where's Diane, Ollie?
Ollie: She dead!

What do you think, Ollie? I miss Ollie.

The same thing happened to me... but with a mustache.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.

Tom Tucker: Good Evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams, recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time Ollie?
Ollie: (yelling) Stewie killed Lois!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter got blamed!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter went to court!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Lois came back!
Tom: How?
Ollie: (yelling) Wasn't really dead!
Tom: Thanks Ollie, and now part two.

Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.

Well, the election results are pouring in, and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one. Which reminds me Diane, when was the last time you--ah, forget it.

Tom Tucker: In other Pseudo-Scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview.
RJ: I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake, but suddenly she yelled. So I looked up and was Big Foot.
Tom Tucker: So what happened next?
RJ: Then I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
(cuts to pageant, Bill is sitting in the audience, two heavy-set women are on the runway)
Bill Clinton: Now that's a cankle! Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows, that's the fun.

Tom Tucker: Some new developments on the Flight 209 trauma. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Whoops, well thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet Chung King can land an anchorman in hot water.

Tom Tucker: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Peter: (From recording) Uh, hello, ground people? Uh, we, we got a little problem up here. Uh, we need some help or we're gonna crash... So, uh, that being the case, um... is it cool if I shut off "Last Holiday?" It seems unfair that the last thing these people might see is a mediocre comedy featuring Queen Latifah on skis. (Laughing) Cleveland look, she just fell over! She can't stand up on those things.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 50 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Four years later me and Lois divorced and Stewie died. Gobble gobble.

Peter