Popular Better Off Ted Quotes
Ted: I have to watch Rose.
Veronica: I can wash Rose.
Ted: I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.
Veronica: Hmm. Even easier.
Ted: The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you may not know that much about children.
Veronica: I know they need to be cleaned
You have the most beautiful skin. I wish there was a way I could peel it off your face and attach it to mine. Oh, and then you'd grow new skin and like it just as much
Veronica [to Rose]
Veridian Dynamics. We're a family, just like yours. But we don't waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we're working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that's when families should be together. Families. Yay
Narrator
Kids. God's little awkward-moment machines
Linda
Phil: Lem, you ever get the feeling the ooplasm cultures are looking up at you, worshiping you like a vengeful god?
Lem: No. Cytoplasm culture sometimes, but never ooplasm.
Phil: Sometimes you are a complete stranger to me
Phil: Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Lem: Oh, yeah. I was trying to get the stains out.
Phil: You know, soap would work, and it wouldn't kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
Lem: But soap leaves a film
Lem: It gets dark whenever you leave the room.
Phil: Ohh... how can I get mad at you when you say things like that
Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
It turned out, Don was really a good guy. Linda was right. He was funny and smart. And for some reason, he could name every freshwater fish in North America. Plus he once played miniature golf with Tiger Woods
Phil: This is ridiculous. You have to talk to Veronica.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No, I mean you really have to.
Lem: I'm going to.
Phil: No you won't.
Lem: Yes I might.
Phil: You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn't just delicious flavored coffee. This is your dignity we're talking about.
Lem: I have my dignity. Now will you take me to the bathroom
Veridian Dynamics. Diversity--just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they're just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can't eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we're committed to a multi-ethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us
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Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie
