Popular Better Off Ted Quotes
My door is always open to you. Please, close it on the way out
Veronica
Well, I'm different than other women, Ted, and by different, I mean better.
Veronica
When you stand up for yourself, you get things done. I learned that the first time I sent back undercooked chicken at a restaurant. Sure, I ended up paying for two chickens...
Phil
If we did this, it would be fun. I mean, it always is with me. I'm not bragging, it just is
Veronica [turning down sex with Ted]
Ted: Listen, you're not, uh, you know...
Veronica: What, Ted? Embarrassed? Upset? Disappointed? Itchy? Hungry? Earning twice your salary? Don't worry, I'm not any of those things. Maybe a little hungry. Plus, the salary thing
"Money before people," that's the company motto. Engraved on the lobby floor. It just looks more heroic in Latin
Veronica
Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don't have the parking for that
Veronica: Here, I bought you some briefs. The boxers you were wearing didn't highlight your assets. Penis-ly speaking.
Ted: Thank you
Phil: I win! This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.
Lem: It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute. Same rules as for losing your virginity
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland
Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us
Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie
