My God, Ted, you don't tell a man like Mordor to be less passionate. It's like telling Gandhi to be less... whatever he was. Thin.

Veronica

Of course it was an accident. Although, the man was cheating on me, and my subconscious is very protective, and sometimes kind of a douche.

Veronica

God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.

Veronica

Oh, don't be that guy who points fingers. No one likes a pointer. Even in the dog world, they're seen as insufferable.

Linda

Linda: What did you say to Mordor?
Ted: I did not tell him to have sex with Veronica while she's sleeping. Why? What did he do?
Linda: I walked into the supply closet, and he was in there with Ashley from Accounting. And they were not looking for supplies. Unless she uses her ya-ha to store office supplies and he uses his yang-doodle to look for things. That's what my mom calls it.

Ted: This... this is about Veronica. See, she has a very high-pressure job. And she does it with 100% focus.
Mordor: Oh, she's the same in bed. Or when dismembering a goat.
Ted: Right. So you and the other animals have seen it.

Phil: Wow. Can you imagine how great it would be to just take Veronica out in the middle of the day and have lunch with her?
Lem: You should try to aim higher for your fantasies.

Linda: God, you'd be hard to go out with.
Ted: Hey, I am fantastic to go out with. I'm... I'm thoughtful as a man can be, while still pillaging like a Viking in the bedroom. But I am not getting involved in Veronica's personal life.
Linda: So my boss gets to have all the sex-fun of a relationship, while all the stress of being exhausted trickles down to me? Man, capitalism blows.

Linda: Whenever I have sex, I have to be alert the next day so I don't make mistakes. I have to be alert during sex so I don't make mistakes. Basically, I always have to be alert.
Ted: Is it possible to make mistakes during a sex, for a woman to make mistakes during sex?

I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life--burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.

Veronica

This weekend, Mordor and I am going scuba diving. Last weekend we raced cars in the desert and ate a rattlesnake... and a goat that wandered into our camp, and then a light salad.

Veronica

It turns out developing cheese that never spoils is harder than we thought. Right now, it's more of a cheddar-colored fabric that does spoil.

Ted
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Better Off Ted Season 2 Episode 4 Quotes

This weekend, Mordor and I am going scuba diving. Last weekend we raced cars in the desert and ate a rattlesnake... and a goat that wandered into our camp, and then a light salad.

Veronica

It turns out developing cheese that never spoils is harder than we thought. Right now, it's more of a cheddar-colored fabric that does spoil.

Ted
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