Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes
Veridian Dynamics. Mistakes. We all makes them. But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries. Mistakes are how we learn and grow... so we can do amazing things. When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics. We're sorry. You're welcome
Commercial
When I took this job, I lied on my resume. I didn't attend MIT. I graduated from the University of Aruba. I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond. I played rugby. And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador. That was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening
Phil
Ted: With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions. Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say... or how little to say.
Female Lawyer: Were you involved in the development of this product?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Veronica: Ouch.
Female Lawyer: Will you elaborate on that, please?
Veronica: No.
Female Lawyer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly
Veronica: So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
Ted: But we didn't know it could happen.
Veronica: Good. That sounds very truthful.
Ted: Because we didn't know
Veronica: That one wasn't as good.
Ted: But we didn't.
Veronica: There you go. That's the one.
Ted: Veronica!
Veronica: I'd leave my name out of it
Veronica: Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In 3 out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
Ted: And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off?
Veronica: If by "laugh" you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes, they have a wonderful sense of humor
Linda: You realize that if this project goes forward, all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Ted: Which is why I'm going to kill it. That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
Linda: If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man
Lem: I will not let you go. Come on, this is just like the virtual climbing wall at MIT.
Phil: It wasn't there when I was there.
Lem: It's virtual. Technically it was never there
Veronica: You did this, Phil. And to recognize your efforts, we're promoting you to Senior Lab Associate.
Phil: Oh, I was promoted to that a year ago.
Veronica: Really? You shouldn't have been. You probably owe the company some money. I'll check into that for you.
Phil: Thank you
Ted: Fine, from now on, no more flirting. We keep it professional.
Linda: Fine with me... boss.
Ted: Good. Starting now, you're just another butt-less coworker.
Linda: Good. Then the door has nothing to hit on my way out
Linda: But, fine, what did you want to talk about?
Ted: Well, your work habits and how bad they are and how much that bugs me.
Linda: Okay, this can wait. Go ahead.
Ted: Well, to begin with, your work habits are bad, uh, and in conclusion, that bugs me.
Ted: I guess I've also been under a lot of pressure. With Linda moving in my office and all, it's... it's been a difficult time. So what do we do?
Lem: We're men. We ignore your vulnerable moment.
Ted: I meant about the biocomputer
Oh my god, I emptied the stomach of the woman I love
Lem
