Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes
Oh, god, Lem, you're using science for no good. We took an oath we would try to do that less
Phil
Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it's staring at me.
Linda: Sorry. It's from a small town. It's never seen a big businessman like you before.
Ted: Well tell it to act more professional. It's making a spectacle of itself
Lem: I can be funny. Uh, want to see me throw something at that guy or touch the ceiling?
Lucy: That's lame. But it's cute you're trying so hard to impress me.
Lem: If you like lame, you should meet me for a drink tonight after I have dinner with my mom and pretend to go to bed
Phil: Why don't you go talk to her?
Lem: Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?
Phil: If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.
Lem: If only I was a worm. i could cut myself in two and date my lower half.
Phil: We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen
Veridian Dynamics. Machines. When you were little, you wanted to be one. Now we're working to make that happen. By taking the best things about people, and the best things about machines, and combining them into something strong and, we hope, loving. Veridian Dynamics. Man and machines. Best friends forever
Commercial
Ted: Well, I'd love to help you, Linda, but I don't have a lot of space in here.
Linda: In here. In here... in here.
Ted: And there's that terrible echo
Yes, a biocomputer. It's half machine, half living organism. If you think that sounds creepy, you should see it at feeding time.
Phil: At full power, the sound wave is so intense it can cause vomiting.
Ted: A machine that causes vomiting. Well, that could have all kinds of applications for the military... and fashion modeling
Linda: Field testing shows that the subject, or "victim," as I like to call people "helped" by Veridian Technology, can be hundreds of feet away and will hear the message as though it's being whispered only to them.
Phil: It's highly persuasive. Advertising companies are very excited because it will allow them to burrow even deeper into the human brain
You might say Veridian Dynamics is like a finely tuned watch. That's Dale. He even has a big hand and a little hand
Linda: There's a single dads club that meets on the fifth floor every week. Maybe you should check it out.
Ted: Eh, I guess I could go beat up some single dads
Ted: I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle
