Sundays 10:30 PM on Showtime
Californication

Hank: Barney Greengrass, where you may have very well been conceived, young lady.
Becca: Really?
Hank: Yeah.
Karen: Actually, no, it was the bathroom at CBGB's.
Becca: Jesus Christ, boundaries, people!
Hank: Yeah, well we went to the bathroom at Greengrass the next day, if you recall, and who's to say which batch of seed took root, woman!
Becca: And there goes my appetite!
Hank: We should maybe go pay a visit there, to that shrine to your vagine.

(To Charlie) Whether you know it or not, you're a maverick, a renegade, you beat off to the march of your own drummer.

Sue

I ended up sexiled with the nerd, the Michael Cera type.

Becca

Becca: We used protection! He had a condom in his wallet that he said had been there since high school. It wasn't love and it wasn't perfect or anything but I'm glad I did it, I got it over with. And i wanted to tell you first, because I wanted you to know that you didn't fuck me up. My life is tough and weird and unpleasant sometimes but I walk around knowing that I have parents who love me and care about me and who always try their best even if they screw up sometimes. I know I gave you a hard time when mom was gone, but I hope you know that I love you, Dad, and I always will.
Hank: Alright... um, can you wait till New York to tell your mom about this?

That's the thing about secrets, Hank, they have a funny way of coming out.

Mia

Charlie: She's a cocktail waitress with a screenplay. Ok.. an idea for a screen play, but still, I see potential and I just -
Marcy: Oh please! You see blow job!

So overall you would recommend the experience of sleeping with your teacher?

Becca

Charlie: You actually did offer me the ass one time, right here in this very living room.
Marcy: What was I thinking? Dr. Drew says you could get a prolapsed anus from that shit. Once you hit 80, your ass is like, 'why'd you have to take it in the pooper that one time? Now you're going to have to carry me around all day.'

Marcy; Remember the kitchen counter encounter?
Charlie: Best night of my life!
Marcy: Not mine! Days later I was still finding crumbs in my folds!

Why did I let you sit on the sink? The chick is supposed to sit on the sink! That's bathroom boning 101!

Marcy

There's no reason you should let a professional misstep get in the way of some quality sixty-nining.

Hank

Charlie: No matter what they say, bitches don't like it when you fuck other bitches.
Hank: Word.

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Californication Season 3 Quotes

Marcy: It's been sitting on the market for months now, Charlie, it's not selling.
Charlie: Well, maybe if you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor in LA with a cougar fetish back to the house, you could get it sold.
Marcy: First, it's our house, and second, if you weren't too busy trying to shove your angry inch into every damaged case that crosses your path, we wouldn't even be in this mess to begin with!

I know you're saving the planet and all, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole!

Hank
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