Sundays 10:30 PM on Showtime
Californication

I think that ultimately they'll have to raise the white flag and just accept us for the emotional retards that we are, don't you think?

Hank

Marcy: I think i'm sewing it up, I'm telling you seriously. It has led me astray.
Karen: First of all that's disgusting, and second of all, what's that going to solve?
Becca: I'm lost - are you talking about your heart or your vagina?
Marcy: Look at you using all the proper names for things.
Karen: Well it is her father's favorite word.

There's no law against stealing from a colossal douchebag.

Hank

I had my whole life flash before my eyes, really just like a TIVO on fast forward, and you know what? It was really fucking pathetic.

Charlie

Jesus, I love this little buddha you shot out of your vag! So wise!

Marcy

(To Felicia) You say one more word to me and I will show you where Becca learned to throw down!

Karen

Charlie: Do you know how long its been since I've heard you say those three little words?
Marcy: Eat my clam?

Charlie: I don't mean to get a bee in my bonnet, babe, I just don't want to see you waste your life waiting for a phone call that might never come.
Marcy: Oh it's coming, fool. And by the way, my gay uncle called, and he wants his expressions back.

Plus, you know, charity events are like ground zero for single pussy.

Rick Springfield

If a client asks you to dress up as a french maid and rim his shit hole, you comply, with bells on!

Sue

Hank: I'm very tight with the dean. He will not be pleased when he hears about this.
Security Guard: You're friends with the dean?
Hank: I fucked his wife.

Charlie: Like your dream crush now, Marcy?
Marcy: It's like watching a figure skater fall.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 74 in total

Californication Season 3 Quotes

Marcy: It's been sitting on the market for months now, Charlie, it's not selling.
Charlie: Well, maybe if you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor in LA with a cougar fetish back to the house, you could get it sold.
Marcy: First, it's our house, and second, if you weren't too busy trying to shove your angry inch into every damaged case that crosses your path, we wouldn't even be in this mess to begin with!

I know you're saving the planet and all, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole!

Hank
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