Bree: Oh! Does anybody ever call you "Alfie"?
Alfred: No.
Bree: And why should they? So, um, Alfred, I was wondering if you could maybe loosen my restraints. They're incredibly tight, and I'm sure there are no rules against making me more comfortable.
Alfred: Do you think I'm stupid?
Bree: I beg your pardon?
Alfred: Two seconds after I loosen these little restraints, you'll try to scratch my eyes out and make a run for it. Well, I'm not falling for it, you psycho little bitch. In fact, I hope they keep you tied up for the next month 'cause I'd get a real kick out of watching a prissy little whack job like you lying in your own filth. Know what I mean?

Bree: Would you please, uh, add that to our bill?
Rex: I'm telling you, Bree, you're gonna have to stop riding 'em so hard.
Bree: I am trying to ensure that they turn into responsible adults. Trust me, Rex, in the end, we will be rewarded.
Rex: How can you be so damn sure of yourself all the time?
Bree: Why is my certainty a flaw? I know what I'm about, I know my values, and I know what's right. Why shouldn't I stay the course? Am I right, Mr. Williams?

Bree: Have they rung up your prescription yet?
Rex: No, they're getting it right now.
Bree: Good, add that on.
Rex: You're dying your hair honey wheat blond?
Bree: Oh, it's not for me, it's for Danielle. That hair is going back to the color god intended.
Rex: You actually think she's gonna sit still as you towel this through her hair?
Bree: Oh, I will tie her down if necessary. I'm also thinking of checking her body for piercings while I'm at it.

(Into her phone) Hey, it's just me again. Um... when you got the invitation, I thought that you gave me the thumbs up, but I guess if that was actually... some other type of finger gesture, uh... well, I apologize for leaving you all these messages and wasting your time.

Susan

Bree: Orson.
Orson: Oh, hey. I wanted to come by and see how you were doing after your great escape and, uh, these are for you.
Bree: How sweet and... unexpected. Do you wanna come in?
Orson: I'd love to.

I met Bree Van de Kamp the first day she moved to Wisteria Lane. There are certain people, who, when you meet them, can't help but make a delightful first impression.

Mary Alice

Bree: Hello. I'm Bree Van de Kamp, your new neighbor. Is this your frog?
Mary Alice: Yes. Why?
Bree: Well, it seems that my son stole it from your yard.
Mary Alice: Oh, well, I don't mind. If he likes it so much, he's welcome to keep it.
Bree: Well, don't tell him that. If he doesn't feel guilty he'll never learn shame.

Paul: You have to talk to Noah.
Zach: But he creeps me out.
Paul: Who cares? This is my life we're talking about. I need a big-time lawyer in my corner, and where else are we gonna get that kind of money?
Zach: Noah's not gonna give me a dime if he knows it's for you. He hates your guts.
Paul: Tell him it's for you. Tell him you want a car. Tell him you're ready for him to buy your love. Trust me, dying men are nothing if not sentimental.
Zach: Why do you need so much, anyway? I thought only guilty men needed expensive lawyers.
Paul: Felicia has obviously been planning this for months. Who knows what other kind of evidence she's planted? With my luck, they'll open up the Martha Huber murder again, try to nail me with some D.N.A.
Zach: You swore to me that you had nothing to do with that.

Dr. Barr: It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism. That's a lot of trauma for one year. What about your kids?
Bree: Oh, they're fine. Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp.
Dr. Barr: What's your relationship with them like?
Bree: What do you mean?
Dr. Barr: Are you close? Do they share things with you?
What do you feel about them?
Bree: You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense. Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not?
Dr. Barr: No.
Bree: Fine. Then I'm going back to my room.

Displaying quotes 28 - 36 of 429 in total