Bree: Hello?
Gabrielle: Hi, there.
Mary Alice: I'm Mary Alice. This is Susan, uh, Lynette and Bree.
Susan: Welcome to the neighborhood.
Gabrielle: Well, I am Gabrielle Solis.
Lynette: Would it be better if we came back at another time?
Gabrielle: Oh! No, no. I was... just changing out of my sweaty clothes. I didn't realize moving was such great cardio.

Sally: Boy, do I feel for you. Trying to convince your friends that you're still normal, and you're surrounded by a bunch of loons.
Bree: You, too?
Sally: Oh, please. Dr. Barr goes out of his way to make me feel like a complete psychopath. I think he's crazier than the patients, actually.
Bree: You know that, um, that woman in the wheelchair? What's her story?
Sally: Yeah, she's a kooky one. She hasn't spoken a word since she got here. She just sits there all day long waiting for your friend to come and visit. He talks to her for hours, but I don't even think she can hear him.

Rex: Feel free to be harsh.
Mary Alice: Um, No, I'm... I'm good.
Bree: Well, now that we've finished with all this unpleasantness, I want to assure you that we are going to be good neighbors, and I hope in time, great friends.
Mary Alice: That sounds... lovely.
Bree: (to Andrew) Come on.
Mary Alice: Oh, wait. I'm--I'm sorry. It was Rex, Andrew and... what was your name again?

Susan: What's the catch?
Karl: There's no catch. It's yours, Susie. Yours and Julie's. No strings attached.
Susan: I can't accept this. I just I gotta get out of this mess on my own.
Karl: This is not charity. I owe you... for everything I've done over the years, for all the heartache I've inflicted on you. Consider it payback.
Julie: Mom! There's a pool and a jacuzzi!
Karl: At least no one can drive off with it while you're sleeping, huh?

Carlos: Hey, what are you doing?
Gabrielle: Trying to have sex with you.
Carlos: Now? Babe, it's kind of late.
Gabrielle: You don't wanna have sex with me? You always wanna have sex with me. You wanted to have sex with me an hour after your hernia operation.
Carlos: I'm a little preoccupied. A good man died today. Don't take it personally.

Tennis Pro: You've got a great swing. You just need a little help around the greens. You know what they say drive for show, putt for dough. Am I right?
Gabrielle: That is so true.
Tennis Pro: All right. I'll see you out there.
Gabrielle: Okay.

Carlos: Hey, babe, we haven't tried it in the kitchen yet.
Gabrielle: Honey, uh, I think it's time to unpack the pants.
Carlos: Right. It's nice to meet you ladies.
Mary Alice: Let me guess newlyweds?
Gabrielle: Four months, and I've dressed like this for two of them. He's insatiable.

Zach: Look,I know it's an expensive car, but I need one, so can I get the money?
Noah: You're a lousy liar, kid. I read the papers. I know what happened to your father. My guess is he's in the market for a fancy lawyer to get him some rich man's justice.
Zach: Please.
Noah: Paul Young put Deirdre in a box. My daughter. Your mother, so we're clear, I don't write checks to monsters.
Zach: Why can't you just give me the money? You're dying. You don't need it. I do.

Karl: What the hell is this?
Susan: Karl, what do you want?
Karl: Well, I can't believe you're forcing our daughter to live in a house with wheels. I think we need to talk about this.
Susan: It's temporary, and if you don't mind, I'm having coffee
Mike: Oh, it's okay, Susan.
Karl: Hey, sorry. I don't mean to chase you out, buddy, but, uh, this is really a family thing.
Mike: No, no, I understand.
Karl: Cool.

Bree: This is my husband Rex.
Rex:Hi. We're not weird. We just seem like we are.
Bree: And this is my son... the criminal. Go on.
Young Andrew: I'm sorry I stole from you. Just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent.
Susan: Wow.
Bree: Well, is there anything you'd like to say to my son?

Gabrielle: Xiao-Mei, how did you rip your panties?
Xiao-Mei: I fall down.

For God sakes, Gabrielle, Ralph just died, and you're worried about my feet? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?

Carlos

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

(narrating) The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recongnize them? They are the ones who are missed so terribly, everything falls apart in their absence. (Shot of Andrew and Bree packing his suitcase, placing a photo of Rex inside last.) They are the ones who love us, long before we even arrive. (Shot of Carlos smiling as he rubs Gabrielle's stomach.) They are the ones who come looking for us, when we can't find our way home. (Shot of Mike walking Bongo as he looks at a flyer of Zach's) Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers (Shot of Tom comforting Lynette as she cries)

Mary Alice

Susan (standing in front of her garage with the word "whore" spray-painted on): Hello, Edie. Do you have something you'd like to say?
Edie: No, that pretty much says it all.