TV is how stupid losers spend their time.

Peter

We're a team like fish and chips and fat guys.

Quagmire

I can't go to jail. They'll razz me good on account of my belly.

Peter

If cellphones worked, every movie would be two minutes long.

Quagmire

What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65.

Peter

I'm as creative as the first spider to spin a web.

Peter

Brian: OMG, Stewie. What are you doing in the toilet with the lid closed?
Stewie: Ted R. says this is where a piece of crap has to live.

It's so salty and chunky where you don't want it to be.

Stewie

Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend. Every pot finds a lid, huh?

Peter

So I was wondering why this tampon commerical was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex and The City

Brian

We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took a lot from The Simpsons.

Peter

Stand up is so 20 years ago. Twitter's only three years ago.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley