Family Guy

Family Guy Quotes (Page 5)

Season 11 Episode 13: "Chris Cross"

Chris: Oh, of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 11 Episode 12: "Valentine's Day in Quahog"

Herbert: If I gave you a sandwich, could you get Chris to fart on it?
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Adam West: My God! My wife is seeing another mayor!
 • Rating: Unrated

Herbert: Oh, hey there Chris! Happy Valentine's Day! Hope Cupid brings you a saggy old bag of treats!
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: Oh, hey, um, I think I might have the wrong address, I'm looking for Mr. Herbert's house?
Sandy: No, you're at the right house. I'm his grandniece Sandy.
Chris: Wow, my name is Chris too!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Ahhhhh! Oh my God! Tobey, what happened?
Tobey: Oh, I just harvested your kidney.
Meg: Look at the size of this scar!
Tobey: Sorry, it's my first day on this job.
Meg: Well, where did you work before?
Tobey: Circuit City. So, I haven't worked in like two years.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: You kiss your mother with that mouth? (Stewie vomits at the reference)
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid?
Stewie: I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you! Very! Bad! Dog!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire: What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000? That's just for women!
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: I totally hit it off with this great guy on the internet and we're finally gonna meet!
Stewie: Okay, remember to ask questions about him. Seem interested. Listen. Giggle. Swallow.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day, I was thinking let's do something we've never done before.
Peter: Release the virus?
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift? [drops trenchcoat, is naked]
Stewie: No, but I'm ready for therapy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 11 Episode 11: "The Giggity Wife"

Peter: Hey, I'm not just a poorly-cleaned butt. There's a whole man around man around that you have to please.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Are you and Glenn thinking about children?
Charmese: Unfortunately, I can't have children.
Lois: Oh. Menopause?
Charmese: No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.
Brian: Oh, the holidays are always stressful.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Meg, you look pretty next to [Charmese].
 • Rating: Unrated

Charmese: You know, after 40 years in my line of work, I've learned the difference between true love and doing the entire bowling team of a pizza restaurant on a box spring by a brook. This is true love. Hey, what's our last name again?
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes another.
Peter: Owww, my head!
Stewie: She already has two cell phones.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Hey, was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel with Scott Baio?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Lois, do you have any idea what i'm looking at right now?
Lois: Peter, we're not doing this again.
Peter: I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country. And they have...
Lois: Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy!
Peter: It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical!
Lois: It's ridiculous! Pancakes are not a nighttime food!
Peter: You're ridiculous!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Are we missing your favorite "Family Guy" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!