My misguided carnal instincts are the results of being raised by a sexual deviant.

Quagmire

Doctor: How do you feel?
Quagmire's Mom: Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I can push him out again?

Stewie: Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs.
Brian: Nope.
Stewie: Oh, well you'll tell me if I get it right?

Does this mean you're going to move to Europe to make movies?

Peter

I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.

Quagmire

Random Party-Goer: You want to go upstairs?
Meg: Sure!
Random Party-Goer: Good. Go.

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Have you seen my copy of "Into the WIld?"

Peter

Let's go take a ride in my open jeep. I took the doors off so it's extra terrifying.

Peter

No, I'm sorry. I thought this was a bank.

Peter

You shouldn't have to do porn to feel appreciated.

Lois

Wait, hold on Brian, everyone deserves a proper funeral. Why do you think we're saving that VCR box in the basement?

Stewie

How bout I just take 'head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.'

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Stewie