Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Lois: Peter did you take Stewie to a strip club? he smells like Sweat and fear.
Stewie: Ughh let me tell you Tuesday afternoon is not exactly their "A" squad, I actually saw bullet wounds.

Herbert: Well Jessie I guess we gotta find some other way to spend our evenings.
TV announcer: And now back to ESPN's exclusive coverage of the little league world series.
Herbert: Ohhh JACKPOT!

Lois: Peter, we need to talk about your son.
Peter: Which one? The fat one, or the funny lookin' one?
Chris: (laughs at Stewie) Dad called you fat! Wait...

Peter: Have you my son?
Dumbo Crow: Well, I done seen just about everything, but I ain't never seen your boy, no way, no how!
Peter: That's good, old-fashioned family racism.

Brian: Umm...where are the toilets?
New Yorker Editor: Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.

Peter: A-Team roll call; Face?
Quagmire: Here and handsome!
Peter: Murdoch?
Joe: Here, and... crazy!
Peter: B.A.?
Cleveland: I pity the fool! But also suggest ways he may better himself.

Brian: Wow, you went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself, I went to Brown.
Wellsley Sheperdson: Ooh, my incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown, what year did you graduate?
Brian: Well, I mean, I, I didn't... technically graduate.
Sheperdson: You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind! You, sir, are fired!

Lois: Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you! How come you never told us you dropped out of college?
Chris: I, I saw an after-school special about that! It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol, but, then again, nothing did..

[Brian watching Facts of Life]
Jo: Uh, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it Jo?
Jo: Um... is it alright if your penis and vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: What?!
Jo: Yeah, I kinda woke up this morning and they were sort of touching each other.
Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!
Jo: Yeah, doesn't everyone?
Mrs. Garrett: No!

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy some jazz from Charles Mingus. Norman Maylor's here to read an excerpt from his latest work. And we also have a girl from Omaha hiding a banana. We're gonna find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around.

Quagmire

Lois: You were right Peter
Peter: No way! I finally get to do this!
[pulls on a rope which drops balloons and confetti and unrolls a banner that says Peter's Right]
Peter: I had that set up fifteen years ago. Hey where's the clown?
Lois: We have to do something about the FCC. Pack your bags, Peter, we're going to Washington DC.
[skeleton with a clown nose and a rainbow afro wig falls from the ceiling]
Peter: Oh, there he is.

Lois: Peter, what are you doing? What is all this stuff?
Chris: Dad's starting his own tv station, but I'm not supposed to tell mom, because she's just gonna bitch him out.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington
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