Lois: (Holds up a "Church of the Fonz" poster) Peter, you've been posting these all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy.
Peter: Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? Oh, I'm sorry, Lois, that was uncalled for. But that's what you get when you challenge someone's beliefs.

Francis: (hanging up crucifix) There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month.
Chris: We'll be his period.

Brian: Mr. President, there's been a hurricane in New Oreleans.
George W. Bush [in a treehouse]: Go away, I'm readin' Superfudge.
Brian: Mr. President, this is a national emergency, you've got to come deal with this.
Geroge W. Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

Lois [on the phone with her father]: Daddy? It's me, Lois.
Carter: Oh hello, pumpkin. Did I miss your piano recital?
Lois: No Daddy, I'm in my forties.
Carter: Oh God!

Announcer: Hey kids of america, its hand painted wooden ball-in-a-cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years. Who needs constant video game stimulation when theres ball-in-a-cup? You just toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so theres no worry if you dont catch the ball in the cup. And clean up is as easy as catching a ball, in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you can be catching a ball-in-a-cup?
Jingle: Ball in a cup, Ball in a cup its a ball in a cup!
Kid: Ball in a cup!
Jingle: Ball in a cup.

Peter: (Drunk) Wow Strange Lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter it's me.
Peter: You know what screw it. I'm so gunna cheat on Lois right now and I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter I...
Peter: Hey do you have a condom? Eh never mind, I have this Milky way wrapper.

Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.

Peter: Aww things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian what should I do to win him back?
Brian: That depends. Do you want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter: What's a hypotenuse?

Peter: That jerk Opie got employee of the month again, all because my boss hates me.
Joe: Maybe you need to brown nose her a little bit Peter.
Quagmire: Really? I thought you said she was ugly...Oh-oh-oh you-you-you mean kiss up to her.

Stewie: Well I suppose it's not the first time someones made a miscalculation.
(Cut away to Back to the future)
Marty: What happens to us in the future Doc?
Doc: It's your kids Marty somethings gotta be done about your kids!
Marty: What do you mean?
Doc: Your daughter marries a black man!!
Marty: That's actually not a big deal for me
Jennifer: Yeah me neither
Doc: Wha-it-wha-it-you...Really?
Marty:Yeah I mean what's wrong with that?
Doc: oh oh ah Nothing! nothing it's nothing I guess.. I think it's great! congratulations.
Marty: I don't think I'm comfortable around you anymore.
Doc: Did you know Peanut Butter was invented by a black man?
Marty: Too late Doc.

Brian: Great idea bringing Stewie to Fenway park Peter.
Peter: Yeah there's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other then a ball game.
Brian: Ah where is Stewie?
(Cut to Stewie sweating and stuck in the car in the parking lot with all the windows up)
Woman: Is that a baby in there?!
Man: Oh My God... He's gonna miss the game.

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off