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Family-guy

Lois: (Holds up a "Church of the Fonz" poster) Peter, you've been posting these all over town. People are gonna think you're crazy.
Peter: Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? Oh, I'm sorry, Lois, that was uncalled for. But that's what you get when you challenge someone's beliefs.

Francis: (hanging up crucifix) There's no cross in here. Every kitchen needs a crucifix.
Stewie: Oh yes, nothing says eat up like a bleeding, half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.

Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month.
Chris: We'll be his period.

Brian: Mr. President, there's been a hurricane in New Oreleans.
George W. Bush [in a treehouse]: Go away, I'm readin' Superfudge.
Brian: Mr. President, this is a national emergency, you've got to come deal with this.
Geroge W. Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

Lois [on the phone with her father]: Daddy? It's me, Lois.
Carter: Oh hello, pumpkin. Did I miss your piano recital?
Lois: No Daddy, I'm in my forties.
Carter: Oh God!

Announcer: Hey kids of america, its hand painted wooden ball-in-a-cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years. Who needs constant video game stimulation when theres ball-in-a-cup? You just toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so theres no worry if you dont catch the ball in the cup. And clean up is as easy as catching a ball, in a cup. So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you can be catching a ball-in-a-cup?
Jingle: Ball in a cup, Ball in a cup its a ball in a cup!
Kid: Ball in a cup!
Jingle: Ball in a cup.

Peter: (Drunk) Wow Strange Lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter it's me.
Peter: You know what screw it. I'm so gunna cheat on Lois right now and I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter I...
Peter: Hey do you have a condom? Eh never mind, I have this Milky way wrapper.

Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.

Peter: Aww things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian what should I do to win him back?
Brian: That depends. Do you want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter: What's a hypotenuse?

Peter: That jerk Opie got employee of the month again, all because my boss hates me.
Joe: Maybe you need to brown nose her a little bit Peter.
Quagmire: Really? I thought you said she was ugly...Oh-oh-oh you-you-you mean kiss up to her.

Stewie: Well I suppose it's not the first time someones made a miscalculation.
(Cut away to Back to the future)
Marty: What happens to us in the future Doc?
Doc: It's your kids Marty somethings gotta be done about your kids!
Marty: What do you mean?
Doc: Your daughter marries a black man!!
Marty: That's actually not a big deal for me
Jennifer: Yeah me neither
Doc: Wha-it-wha-it-you...Really?
Marty:Yeah I mean what's wrong with that?
Doc: oh oh ah Nothing! nothing it's nothing I guess.. I think it's great! congratulations.
Marty: I don't think I'm comfortable around you anymore.
Doc: Did you know Peanut Butter was invented by a black man?
Marty: Too late Doc.

Brian: Great idea bringing Stewie to Fenway park Peter.
Peter: Yeah there's no better place for a father and son to really get to know each other then a ball game.
Brian: Ah where is Stewie?
(Cut to Stewie sweating and stuck in the car in the parking lot with all the windows up)
Woman: Is that a baby in there?!
Man: Oh My God... He's gonna miss the game.

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Boy, fat sex is the best sex we've ever had! Last night there were so many boobs I didn't know who's boobs I was grabbin'!

Peter
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