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Family-guy

Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket, or an erection in your pocket?

Cleveland

Lois: My breasts are so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Brian: What did you do with the old bras?

Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glen!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Joan: What?!
Quagmire: All right!

Peter: Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today.
Death: Not according to my paperwork. It says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I gotta tell ya...I always thought it'd be rectal trauma.

Glen, your place looks wonderful! I feel like I can touch things in here now!

Lois

I want to thank God. I want to thank the Lord God because It is really not up to me, it is up to him and I want to thank the devil too because you know that is why God is there. He is minding the fence to make sure that guy never comes back. You know if it weren't for the devil God had probably gone insane blowing he's brains out from boredom. Everybody likes to feel useful. Make a da world go around. Back to you Tom.

Peter

Peter: (In the bathroom) Could you bring me a towel? I threw up on the floor.
Tom Brady: Sure.
Peter: And could you bring me another towel? I also threw up on this gentleman's bare lap.
Man: Could you wet the towel a bit?
Peter: Wet the towel, Tom?

Stewie: How 'bout we let bygones be bygones,hmm?
Brian: You shot me in both my knees, then lit me on fire, Piss off.

Chris: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois: First of all Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris: Alright, well, where is she, 'cause I need her now!

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