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Family-guy

Brian: Hey, what's the point in waiting? You gotta live life while you can, and live it hard.
Stewie: Ah, the Chris Farley method, that's good.

(puts video tape in VCR) Ah well, that's not Nova at all, is it? That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Course nobody here's interested in seeing that sort of thing, are they? Probably not. No. OK. Oh, you kinda looked like you were nodding. Nope? OK. We should get back to work.

Meg's Teacher

Hey Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the couter at McDonalds with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, a lot of hungry deer out at this time of night. Oh, this is where the story gets interesting. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Was manged to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-11. So when you're ready to apologize to me just talk into this cup.

Stewie

Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.

Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you... last night I had sex with a teenage blonde, and her mother.
Peter: Well that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So why are you telling me?
Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga.

Francis: Stewie Griffin, I baptise you, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Peter: And Space Ghost.

It's just like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want...but it's still gonna happen.

Peter

I like you Grandpa. Your toe-nails are the same color as my school bus.

Chris

All right, Dad! This used to be an old barn, but thanks to you, now it's an old barn with a sign on it.

Chris

Peter: If we get Stewie baptised, you and all other old people have to acknowledge and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth.
Francis: I'll think about it.

Diane: Also in the news some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom: That's right Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane: Sounds dangerous Tom, Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell?
Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist!
Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you".
Francis: Now you're getting it!

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 248 in total

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Boy, fat sex is the best sex we've ever had! Last night there were so many boobs I didn't know who's boobs I was grabbin'!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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