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Family-guy

Peter: Hi Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, Peter.
Peter: What's up?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Good...oh dammit...I mean...not much.
Peter: Whatcha got there?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh this? It's a gun.
Peter: Oh yeah?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yeah, I'm going to kill you.

Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear!

Quagmire

That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an entrance.

Quagmire

Wow Peter that's a book isn't it? That's the first time I've seen you reading something that didn't later turn out to be a sandwich.

Brian

I'm no school administrator, but there's an extension program going on in my trousers.

Cleveland

I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me!

Carter

Peter: You can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed of mooching off your kids at age seventy.
Carter: Go to hell, fathead! Wait, have I used that one? No I haven't. Go to hell, fathead!

(as Peter opens the door) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Betty White

Peter: Hey Meg, uh, we're trying to make some money and, um, would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me?
Meg: Uh. Wow. Sure.
Peter: Aw. Fantastic.
(Carter hits Meg with a lamp)
Peter: What the hell was that for?
Carter: Now we've got the pot and the money.

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