Wow Peter that's a book isn't it? That's the first time I've seen you reading something that didn't later turn out to be a sandwich.


I'm no school administrator, but there's an extension program going on in my trousers.


I lost my home, my money, and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me!


Peter: You can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo. You shouldn't be embarrassed of mooching off your kids at age seventy.
Carter: Go to hell, fathead! Wait, have I used that one? No I haven't. Go to hell, fathead!

(as Peter opens the door) Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

Betty White

Peter: Hey Meg, uh, we're trying to make some money and, um, would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me?
Meg: Uh. Wow. Sure.
Peter: Aw. Fantastic.
(Carter hits Meg with a lamp)
Peter: What the hell was that for?
Carter: Now we've got the pot and the money.

I was just watching this special on VH1 about Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, all I know is I want her dead.


Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah, you're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.

Peter: I can't believe we lost the talent show! What'd we do wrong?
Chris: Well, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you were. I was in the audience.

Lois has gained some weight since you guys stopped having sex. Maybe you should, uh, you know, have some sex


Lois: Peter I'm not hungry.
Peter: I want you bigger, I want you fatter, it will please me.

Peter: ( sees fat Lois come in ) Oh, hey Hogzilla. You seen my hot wife Lois anywhere?
Lois: I don't know. Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Peter: (laughs sarcastically) Hey, do me a favor. When you're in bed, point your butt the other way. Last night, you farted, swear to god, I thought someone was stickin' me with the cigarette lighter from the car.

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off