Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a a twinkie.

Peter: Well, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. Sex is pointless without the potency.
Quagmire: Yeah. You take the venom out of the cobra, and what have you got? You got a... a belt!

Okay, whip them out woman! It's time for the afternoon meal!


Quagmire: Cleveland, how did you end your marriage?
Cleveland: You slept with my wife.

Joan: Is this a joke?
Peter: I wish it were Joan, I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news.

Peter: (sees himself in a circle) Uh, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Pat Sajak: That's you.
Peter: Oh! Oh! Embarrassing. Uh, okay. Well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Pat: The Category is 'Actor & Show' Ok, so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uh, ok, uh..Z, 4, Q, another Q, uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Pat: O-kay. No help there. Um, 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
Peter: Is it "Alex Karras in Webster"?
(the whole puzzle is revealed, to Pat's surprise)
Pat: I... don't... believe it!
Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

You call those cheap implants boobs?! Those aren't boobs! They're lies!


I'm going to a Celine Dion Concert. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.


Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket, or an erection in your pocket?


Lois: My breasts are so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Brian: What did you do with the old bras?

Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glen!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Joan: What?!
Quagmire: All right!

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, Make a splash at your next presentation, Keep grandma company, Confuse your neighbors, African American? Hail a cab, Testify in church, Or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs are! So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Al Harrington