Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a a twinkie.

Peter: Well, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. Sex is pointless without the potency.
Quagmire: Yeah. You take the venom out of the cobra, and what have you got? You got a... a belt!

Okay, whip them out woman! It's time for the afternoon meal!


Quagmire: Cleveland, how did you end your marriage?
Cleveland: You slept with my wife.

Joan: Is this a joke?
Peter: I wish it were Joan, I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news.

Peter: (sees himself in a circle) Uh, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Pat Sajak: That's you.
Peter: Oh! Oh! Embarrassing. Uh, okay. Well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Pat: The Category is 'Actor & Show' Ok, so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uh, ok, uh..Z, 4, Q, another Q, uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Pat: O-kay. No help there. Um, 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
Peter: Is it "Alex Karras in Webster"?
(the whole puzzle is revealed, to Pat's surprise)
Pat: I... don't... believe it!
Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

You call those cheap implants boobs?! Those aren't boobs! They're lies!


I'm going to a Celine Dion Concert. I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.


Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket, or an erection in your pocket?


Lois: My breasts are so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Brian: What did you do with the old bras?

Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glen!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Joan: What?!
Quagmire: All right!

Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.