Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
(Peter is playing DDR)
Bill Clinton: Watch the screen, not your feet.
Peter: Bill shut up, I got it.
Loudspeaker Announcer: Number 32.
Peter: Oh no, our pizza is ready!
Bill Clinton: Tag out man! Tag out! (Peter tags Bill in and Bill starts playing) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic. Come on Barbie, let's go party, uh, uh, uh yeah!
Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual "Miss Cankle USA" contest.
(cuts to pageant, Bill is sitting in the audience, two heavy-set women are on the runway)
Bill Clinton: Now that's a cankle! Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows, that's the fun.
Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?
Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.
Meg
Bill: Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.
Peter: Aw yeah, I see it.
Bill: Dude, we can eat that pig.
Peter: What?
Bill: Dude, come on! We can totally eat that pig. We could, we could do it, man, we could. It'll be so easy man, it'll take like a minute.
Peter: Could it really be that fast?
Bill: Peter, that pig could be in our stomaches in like one minute. And then we could, and then, we could do other stuff.
Peter: (stoned laughing) Oh right, I'm starved. Let's do it.
Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.
I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.
Peter
(After putting two starfish over his nipples) Hey Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my step-father had boundary issues.
Stewie
Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)
Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)
(After Meg finishes typing on laptop.)
Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. (Scene with two guys typing on their laptops in Starbucks.)
Guy #2: Hey, getting some writing done there buddy?
Guy #1: Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.
Guy #2: Me too. All real writers need to be seen writing otherwise what's the point, right?
Guy #1: You should totally write that down!
Guy #2: Okay, will you watch me?
Hey there Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. (Takes out marker and starts to draw.) Let's give you a nice twiggly little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, 'Say What?' Oh, look whose got pimples... and right before the big dance. (Starts tapping glass with pen and the tank explodes and octopus attacks Peter.)
Peter
