Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 5 Episode 11: "The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou"

(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Brian: What?!
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 10: "Peter's Two Dads"

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)
Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"
(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)
Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?
 • Rating: Unrated

Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Should we just ask how old she is?
Peter: That'd be kinda awkward, huh? Hey, may be we should just cut off her leg and count the rings?
 • Rating: Unrated

(After Lois spanks Stewie)
Stewie: I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
1st Thug: She is messed up man.
Stewie: Shut up! Just Shut up! Let me (bleep) think!...Push her out!
2nd Thug: We can't leave her alone.
Stewie: Push the bitch out!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves.
Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch.
Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex.
Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?
 • Rating: Unrated

O'Brian: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(after Peter beats his dad at drinking)
Mickey: My God, nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.
Peter: Now do you believe that you're my dad?
Mickey: Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh all right.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

"Drunken Irish Dad":
Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring.
And he never taught me anything.
But still, I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad.
Oh, his face looks like a railroad map
And he never shuts his freakin' trap.
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the Clap from your drunken Irish dad!
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morris, and Chaunacy, Riven, and Rudy, they'll tell you the same.
McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter, and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by.
Hafferty, Rafferty, Joyce, and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!
Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm
And our moods infect us like a germ,
Because we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!
Mickey: And we don't tan well either.
Both: From our drunken Irish dad!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Ah man, I hate kids birthday parities. This is going to be worst then that time I was stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport
Airport Employee: May I have your name please?
Robert Loggia: Robert Loggia
Airport Employee: Can you spell that for me?
Robert Loggia: Certainly, that's Robert Loggia
R as in Robert Loggia
O as in oh my God! It's Robert Loggia
B as in By god that's Robert Loggia
E as in everyone loves Robert Loggia
R as in Robert Loggia
T as in Tim look over there it's Robert Loggia
SPACE
L as in look it's Robert Loggia
Peter: (sighs)
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: Be careful daddy. I love you.
Peter: That'll do pig. That'll do.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: All I know is that in Ireland there is a fat bastard who looks just like me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mickey McFinnegan: Top of the mornin' laddies. Let me cut ya an Irish Rose (Farts, and then Starts hitting his hand on the table while laughing)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Micky McFinnegan: As we say in Ireland: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our livers and kills us.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes.
Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.
Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
(Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

O'Brian: I have twenty on the fat one.
Brian and O'Brian: Which one's the fat one!? (they both laugh).
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian: Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: I got it from behind Blacks Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Stewie: (going through Lois's closet) That's mine, and this mine... (picks up a board game) "Hot Monogomy, the board game for failing marriages". Dare card: "Do a striptease in front of your husband, and see how long it takes for him to get a bon-er". What's a bon-er?
 • Rating: Unrated

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