Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.
Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

(Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Quagmire

Peter: (After Peter's pickup truck rams into Quagmire's garage and a group of Korean girls scatter and run away.) Quagmire, I am so sorry.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it.
Peter: We can go after them.
Quagmire: Don't worry about it, they're tagged, they're tagged, just get me to the airport.

Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!

Joe: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")
Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: Get in.

Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Did we finish fueling?
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Do you see the hose in the plane?
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: No.
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Well then I guess we're finished.
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Thanks George, you wanna say that one more time without the sarcasm?

Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!

Plane Crew Guy #1: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down.
Plane Crew Guy #2: Well, we better alert the Mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
(Cuts to an elementary school)
Adam West: My Pet Goat. Page One. You know said my pet goat, I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time. (Government official comes in and whispers to Adam West and leaves. A long moment of silence occurs.) You should make the time said the farmer.

(Chris and Quagmire are on the couch with a calculator, Chris is typing in numbers)
Quagmire: Okay, now add twenty.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: Now multiply it by four.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: Now what do ya got?
Chris: Eight thousand and eight.
Quagmire: And what does eight thousand eight look like on a calculator?
Chris: Oh, Boob!
Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! Alright, alright, alright, Boob!
Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put em next to each other?
Quagmire: Huh! Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes.

Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. (Kid starts kicking the back of the chair.) Thank you.

Herbert

Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.