Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle!

Salesman: Hi there, see anything you like?
Peter: Oh, I'm just browsing.
Salesman: Say, you look like you could use an activity book with half the activities done.
Peter: Wow, that would save me half the time.
Salesman: Connect the dots? Ha! More like set the book down and have a beer.
Peter: You got yourself a deal.

Peter: (amazed) What are those?
Salesman: Well that's a pair of red, flannel feety pajamas.
Peter: Good lord.
Salesman: See, they got a flap that opens up in the back.
Peter: Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm?
Salesman: Exactly.
Peter: No longer will I have to make a choice between the two. Sir, here is a check with my name on it. Write down any number on this piece of paper and I will pay it.

(Walking towards counter) Yes, I'll take this teddy bear, this ruler, this piece of string, and this cardboard box. (Assembles them into a trap for the cashier.)

Herbert

Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry. This is what it feels like to be a bear. You remember when I used to say Lois, when we first got married, you remember, I used to say, what would it feel like to be a bear? Well, this is it. This is it. I'm living it baby.

Peter

Brian: (After being shocked by Peter.) Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off worse when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate. (Cuts to scene where Brian and his roommate are watching TV.)
TV Announcer: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. (Roommate says "Yes!" while Brian says "What the hell?" simultaneously. There is a moment of silence.)
Brian and Roommate: (simultaneously) What? (They both take out guns and aim at each other.)
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

Lois: Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?
Peter: Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?
Lois: What?
Peter: What?
Lois: Because I had an idea. Remember when we first got married?
Peter: And I said what would it feel like to be a bear.
Lois: No, no, no. I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter, remember? We tried to open that restaurant and we never quite got it going.
Peter: Yeah, we got shut down because of my exploding cupcakes. (Cuts to scene where a couple is sitting.)
Gerald: Hmm, I hope these taste as good as they look. (Takes a bite and head explodes.)
Woman: (gasp) Gerald!
Peter: (Walks by.) He he he, the secret is in the frosting... but I'll never tell.

Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!

Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Peter: (After shocking Chris.) What the hell was that? (Shocks Chris again.) Oh my God, Lois, don't get alarmed, but, I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus.
Brian: Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.
Peter: Kneel before Christ! (Gets up, rubs feet on carpet, shocks Brian.)

Peter: Oh boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.
Meg: Ew dad! We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.
Stewie: Yes, I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing. (Cuts to scene where Stewie sees Meg toweling her ass.)
Stewie: (Low voice) Ew, ew, that's so disgusting, uh, uh, uh, I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel. (Towel falls on Stewie.) Ahhhhh!

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.

Peter
×