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Family-guy

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question, how do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go sport!
Jillian: Thank you!

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

(reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

Quagmire

Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle!

Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically they're all stubborn as a mule.
(Cutaway)
A Mule: No sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
Guy: What!?, of course he was.
A Mule: No he wasn't, you lose.
Guy: Of course he was, he was the star.
A Mule: Nope, you're wrong. Look it up.
Guy: I don't have to look it up, it's common knowledge
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: he was on the cover
A Mule: Nope
Guy: of People Magazine
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: when the movie
A Mule: No
Guy: Everyone knows...
A Mule: No
Guy: that.
A Mule: No!..
Guy: Kevin Bacon..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: was the star
A Mule: NO!
Guy: in Footloose..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: It was a huge movie,
A Mule: NO!
Guy: he was the lead.
A Mule: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HeeHaw! HeeHaw! HeeHaw!

Police Officer: Pardon me sir, we're trying to locate a possessed child. (shows picture of Stewie) Have you seen any one who looks like this?
Peter: Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the mini-market right now, he'll be out in a second. (Lois elbows him.) Uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, I mean, no, no. Never seen him before.
Police Officer: Hmm... what was that first thing you said?
Peter: Oh I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. (Lois elbows him again.) Uh, uh, uh, I mean, I was just... reminding what a nice tie you have on.
Police Officer: I... love... this tie. Oh right, you folks take care now.

Don't worry Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us... (closes eyes) in imagination land, where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (Cuts to scene where Peter is sitting on a chair. He lifts up his leg and burps and then opens his mouth and farts.) Haha, indeed, that's how it happens.

Peter

(the family is sitting around the dinner table, and Lois walks in)
Peter: Oh, finally! Some of us have been waitin' all evening for a certain wife to come home and feed her starving family.
Lois: Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner?
Peter: You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a "hot body, weird face" contest, it can't be done.

Ah sweet! We are out of here! Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice! (Cuts to scene where Peter is on the sofa with only his underwear on watching two mice in armor do battle on the floor.) (excited) Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

Peter
Displaying quotes 55 - 63 of 338 in total