I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.


(Sitting with four fat women.) Alright girls, I turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.

Bill Clinton

Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?

Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.


Bill: Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.
Peter: Aw yeah, I see it.
Bill: Dude, we can eat that pig.
Peter: What?
Bill: Dude, come on! We can totally eat that pig. We could, we could do it, man, we could. It'll be so easy man, it'll take like a minute.
Peter: Could it really be that fast?
Bill: Peter, that pig could be in our stomaches in like one minute. And then we could, and then, we could do other stuff.
Peter: (stoned laughing) Oh right, I'm starved. Let's do it.

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.

Peter: I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.(scene cuts to Peter bending over a table being examined by a man behind him)Man: Alright... (snapping off gloves) The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)

(Carter Pewterschmidt walks in his living room to find Peter naked, kissing Lois)Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?!Peter: (turning around to Mr. Pewterschmidt) Uh....(pauses)...why aren't you?Carter Pewterschmidt: (long pause) ..You're alright Griffin.

(After putting two starfish over his nipples) Hey Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my step-father had boundary issues.


(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)

Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.
Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.