Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 10)

Season 5 Episode 10: "Peter's Two Dads"

Peter: Is this Mcswiggen village?
Irishman: Ah, that it be. Dibble the man who says a word aggin it!
Peter: Is that a yes or a no?
 • Rating: Unrated

Francis: (laying in hospital bed) Peter, come closer. There's something..I need to say to you.
Peter: I'm here dad, what is it?
Francis: Peter..you're a fat stinking drunk. (dies)
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: (dressed as a clown) Hey kids. I'm Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 9: "Road to Rupert"

Herbert: Hey there Chris.
Chris: Hi mister Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' yer old Hand-me-downs?
Chris: Yep!
Herbert: Ya got anything that ya used to wear in the summer time?
Chris: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these! (to Brian) How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker, I would have gone to fifteen easy. (Proudly) I am so stupid.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Theme to My Black Son
(sung)This time around,
I'm stayin' at home,
And things are gonna get better.
Settlin' in,
Lovin' My Wife,
But then I got that letter.
My black son, My black son,
Now each day my heart is gettin' bigger!
Don't even remember sleepin' with that lady but I did.
My black son, He's comin' to stay.
My black son, He's makin' each day
The best that he can!
(spoken) Also, he's a ninja.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're going to get hurt.
Peter: Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
Lois: Peter, I don't work at Burger...
Peter: I don't work at Burgagagagagaga, I'm busy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.
 • Rating: Unrated

Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.
 • Rating: Unrated

Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.
 • Rating: Unrated

Adam West: If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack. (Brian slaps him) Ahh! Bitch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Man: Interesting. What do I get if I win?
Stewie: My dog.
Man: Hmm. What can he do?
Stewie: Um, if you put peanut butter on your body, he'll lick it off. (moment of silence) (whispers) Anywhere.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Peter puts a dollar under an anvil and lifts the anvil with a rope)
(Peter then goes to hide behind the tree)
Peter: Ooh, a dollar!
(Peter leaves anvil and goes to pick up dollar and anvil falls on him)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Meg: Huh?
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Meg: What?
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: (kicking the driver's seat in the car) I WANT APPLE JUICE!!!
Meg: (sighs) You wanna watch SpongeBob?
Peter: Yes! With apple juice.
(Meg pulls down a TV screen and Peter watches SpongeBob)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Guy: Wow! I can't believe it! One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, the next I'm having sex with Sharron Stone! Sharron Stone: Yeah. Now comes the best part. (She turns into a monster and eats the guy's head)
 • Rating: Unrated

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