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How do you think you get to be "sold out." It's the small venues. It's a trick. It's an old trick.

Murray

Jemaine: Bret. Have you seen Keitha?
Bret: She robbed us! Her and her friends jumped me, and taped me to the door.
Jemaine: Did she mention me at all?
Bret: No. Sorry man.
Jemaine: I'm not sure about her and me

Bret: Did you use protection?
Jemaine: Yes, but only on my penis

You couldn't get more Australian than me. My great-great-grandpa was a renowned rapist, and they shipped him out to Australia and that's where he met my great-great-grandma; she was a prostitute. You know, I said "met" but he raped her

Keitha

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Ahh well, Jemaine?
Jemaine: Present.
Murray: Who else we got here? Bret?
Bret: Yep.
Murray: And who else? Mur.. Ray... Oh. Greg's written this, he's put the R's too far apart. It's Murray.. Murray present

Bret: Okay, Dave, do you have any special skills?
Dave: I can make a weapon out of pretty much anything. Like when I'm gardening, some a-hole tries to sneak up and take me out - watering can tied to a hose. (whipping noises) Cops show up, "What's that, officer? Just watering the geroniums."

Jemaine: Bret dissed alot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Murray: Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
Bret: No, Snoop Dogg.
Murray: Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone

Murray: Okay guys, notes on yesterday's gig. We got several complaints about the noise. You gotta remember this is in a library. Bear that in mind.
Bret: Yeah, but it's so hard to play there 'cause everyone wants us to be quiet.
Jemaine: They keep shushing us.
Murray: They're trying to read!
Bret: We may as well not be there if we're not gonna make any sound.
Murray: Well, you can make sound, just make it so people can't hear you

Jemaine: It's dark, Bret.
Bret: Yeah, I know.
Jemaine: What expression is on your face?
Bret: Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Jemaine: Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
Bret: That's a weird expression

Bret: Jemaine, I don't think we're going to get sex and get paid.
Jemaine: Why not?
Bret: 'Cause we never get sex or get paid.

Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

Just to let you know, your awards over there - they're fake! I had to make them myself. They're pencil sharpeners stuck onto a couple of bits of wood to make you feel better!

Murray
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Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Murray: I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Jemaine: Ok, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours
Murray: No. No, it's all true