How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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Ted's Date: Okay, this is really difficult to say. Back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke. So, I spent a month making adult films.
Ted: Wow ... uh, how many did you make?
Ted's Date: 175.
Lily: Say what you will about the porn industry, but they're hard workers

You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!

Barney

Robin: I am a journalist!
Barney: What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper

Ted: I haven't talked to her in like three years, I wonder if she even remembers me.
[Calls her up]
Natalie: Hello
Ted: Natalie, it's Ted Mosby.
Natalie: Go to hell!
Ted: She remembers me

Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No..
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No..
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story

[Natalie and Ted are in bed]
Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine. But you've really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to Esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following is from the October issue

No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing

Barney

Marshall: Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily [into phone]: Hi, Marshall, it's Lily, we're not gonna have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. OK, bye-bye

Lily: [hitting Ted] Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?!
Marshall: Yeah, dude, e-mail

Hey, Ted, nice shirt. Is it yesterday already?

Lily

Barney: Oh, search your soul, Robin. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack. And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me and Mr. McGee.
Lily: Seriously, who talks like that?

Hey, is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kinda see Robin's nickels

Barney
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 15 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 4 Quotes

Robin: So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
Barney: Of course not, because now you're saying "nipple" and it's 100. Step into my web

Barney: There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants