How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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Oh, you went around the bride. Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight

Marshall [to Ted]

Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.
Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.
Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Marshall: Like you could possibly know that

Ted: Wow, thanks for being so cool about this cause you know Claudia said...
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. This morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. So, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.

Lily [about asking to bring a date]: You can always ask Stuart.
Ted: Can I do that?
Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too

Ted: Our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on Saturday. You wanna be my "plus one?"
Robin: Ooh, "plus one," you make it sound so romantic

When you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? I always checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist

Future Ted

Yes, Barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants

Ted

Barney: People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?
Lily: By who? Who asks you that? edit »

Oh sure laugh, laugh for Barney Stinson. Laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes, and where's it all heading? Nowhere

Barney

Lily: So where are you from, Natalya?
Barney: She...who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?

Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president

Marshall

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Bald Guy: Who?
Ted: Moby... The recording artist, Moby.
Bald Guy: Oh, no.
Ted: But when we said "Hey, Moby" you said "Yeah".
Bald Guy: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Bald Guy: No

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married til you're thirty.

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references