Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern-family

You're all the porn I need.

Phil

He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.

Jay [on Barkley]

You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

Jay

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

Jay

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

Jay

Some are real, right? Like Anne Frank's?

Luke [on diaries, not boobs]

He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]

I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel.

Cameron

This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

Gloria

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Phil

Don't talk black to me!

Phil
Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 300 in total

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.

Cameron

The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."

Phil
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