Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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You're all the porn I need.

Phil

He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.

Jay [on Barkley]

You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

Jay

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

Jay

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

Jay

Some are real, right? Like Anne Frank's?

Luke [on diaries, not boobs]

He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]

I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel.

Cameron

This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

Gloria

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Phil

Don't talk black to me!

Phil
Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 300 in total

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

Dede: I don't know what just happened.
Dylan: I do. I mean it seems pretty simple to me. You're reaching out, trying to hold onto something awesome.
Haley: Um maybe, maybe you shouldn't.
Dylan: Look, look, look, I'm not used to this, the whole "big family" thing. In my house, we don't even talk to each other. You know it's funny, the first time I saw Haley, I knew I liked her. I mean she's beautiful and everything, but it's it's not just that. She's got this killer confidence. You know, the kind of confidence that you get from having a family like this, that's passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other

Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot