You're all the porn I need.

Phil

He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.

Jay [on Barkley]

You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

Jay

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

Jay

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

Jay

Some are real, right? Like Anne Frank's?

Luke [on diaries, not boobs]

He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]

I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel.

Cameron

This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

Gloria

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Phil

Don't talk black to me!

Phil

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

90 percent of being a dad is just showing up

Jay

I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Phil