I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Jess

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Schmidt

Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.

Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.

Schmidt

Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot the bear full of Hep C, we release that bear in the restaurant right as they're about to order dessert.

Winston

He doesn't steal pies from windowsills! He is a real-life homeless person!

Winston

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

I'm just trying to figure out the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford. I think a white one is out of reach.

Nick

Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.

New Girl Season 2 Quotes

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!