Favorite Scrubs Quotes
Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.
Laverne
(Drunk) Newbie, would you give me some trouble, I'm having a little help here.
Dr. Cox
Elliot: Sorry I'm late.
Todd: Hey, Elliot. Is it greasy outside?
J.D.: Oh, that is so stupid. Elliot, you look... smart.
Dr. Cox: Hello?
Elliot: Of course I'm smart - I'm a doctor!
Doug: "What's up, doc?" I just got it!
J.D.: Maybe that's why Danni wants to break up with me, she thinks I'm too smart!
Todd: You're dating a guy named Danny? Is he hot?
Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story! Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."
I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my ass.
Elliot
J.D. [about Cole's mother]: You're gonna hit that, aren't you?
Kelso: Like a big rig with no breaks.
You can't just jump in front of golf carts, that's how gardeners die.
Cole
Dr. Cox: Jordan, let me talk for a second. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my T.V. screen. And I... I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.
Jordan: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I-I really do. I want to talk about things. Not-not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don't want to talk about everything. For instance I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a-as a family. And I know... I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says "I want to be a couple that communicates more openly."
First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops and let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous crashing undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out, and believe you me when I tell you the next one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five. Hahahaha-Okay, nervous guy, bring that nervous butt up here, lose the shirt - we're gonna show these good people how this thing works.
Dr. Cox
Dan: Hey! I can't find my Dido CD!
J.D.: If my heart could write songs, they'd sound like these.
Turk: I'm black, God knew my people would go through struggles so he gave us a lifetime of cool to compensate. Just like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged and he gave you all this dance... (Dances awkwardly)
Dr. Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you're don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point...do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
J.D.: What the hell...? My bike!
Janitor: It's a riddle! Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat. One of 'em wasn't me!
