Laverne: I gotta fix my own damn copy machine 'cause the maintenance man claims he's got more important things to do!
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
Laverne: Whatever!

Jamie: I am okay, J.D. I'm really seeing things clearly.
J.D.: You've never been more confused.
Jamie: I'm happy!
J.D.: You're sad.
Jamie: I'm at peace.
J.D.: You're at war

Jordan: All right, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot. And, Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about?
[Jack starts crying]
Dr. Cox: Waaaah!

Dr Cox: Now, have you bothered to name this thing yet?
Jordan: I'm thinking of naming him after my father.
Dr. Cox: "Tax E. Vader"?
Jordan: Quinn.
Dr. Cox: What about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan: You're right, Percival, "Quinn" is a foofy name.

Carla: Turk...
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: Between my list of family and friends and your list of family and friends, we have like 400 people coming to this wedding! How are we gonna cut this down?
Elliot: Out of curiosity, whose list did I end up on, yours or Turk's?
Carla: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... mine!
Elliot: Let me see!
Carla: Nope!

J.D.'s Narration: This is perfect! In here, I can just "accidentally" see his wiener and then give him medical advice! Just be subtle.
Janitor: Can I take your order?
J.D.: How come you're not unzipped?
Janitor: 'Cause I'm not peeing! This is where I come to take my breaks. If I stand around out there, everyone tells me to do stuff.

Herman: Hey, you must be Dr. Dorian. I am, uh, Rolf's brother, Hermann.
J.D.: Herman the German! You must get that all the time!
Herman: No, first time...
J.D.: Oh.
Herman: Let's hope it catches on!

J.D.: Anyhoo, I think Mr. Mueller's so amazing. I mean, yesterday, I pretty much told him he was gonna die; and his brother turned to him and he said, "Es wird alles wieder gut." And Mr. Mueller just accepted it!
Elliot: Well, why wouldn't he? "Es wird alles wieder gut" means "You're going to be fine."
J.D.: Germans!

Mr. Mueller: Sobald ich nach Hause komme, werde ich eine ganze Schokoladentorte essen!!
J.D.: Please tell me he just said, "My brother told me the truth, and I'm dealing with it the best that I can."
Elliot: He said, "As soon as I get home, I'm eating an entire chocolate cake."

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