Dr. Cox: And this... abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that, and a little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by "medical boondoggle" I mean "golf weekend." And by "Cleveland" I mean "Hawaii."
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep - and I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by "bus" I mean "helicopter."

J.D.: What'cha got there?
Janitor: A new circular saw - just bought it! Four horse-power, thirty-five hundred RPMs, titanium finger guard...
J.D.: Why would you need a saw in a hospital?
Janitor: Why would an old hen need a banjo?
J.D.: Why does an old hen need a banjo?

Turk: See, J.D., the thing that I always liked about you was that you were just yourself - you never cared about what people thought.
J.D.: And that's why you hung out with me?
Turk: No, you had a car. Still do.

A joke? You think it's funny they already gave away my parking spot? You think it's funny that one of the surgeons paid his dwarf cousin, Lance, two hundred dollars to show up at rounds and sing, "Ding-dong, Kelso's dead!"?

Dr. Kelso

Turk: Do you really think I care about what these guys think? Todd camped out in a wizard outfit to see the latest Harry Potter movie.
Todd: You swore you wouldn't tell. We even high-fived on it.
Turk: Todd, we high-five on everything.
Todd: That's such a lame excuse! I'm totally pissed at you! High five!

Paul: Hey, cowboy, how 'bout you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Listen, there, Flowers: I know that your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week - and congrats on that, really - but if you're gonna go ahead and have a show-down with everyone who hassles her, then, gosh, you two aren't gonna have any time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much!

Dr. Cox: Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Laverne: You know the deal around here - if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh?

J.D.: So, am I the first guy they've done this to?
Turk: Nah, man! They did this to Frank Fratchman.
J.D.: Who's Frank Fratchman?
Turk: Okay, you're the first one.

Elliot: Hey, should I file my Bel Biv Devoe CD under 'B' for "Bel Biv" or under 'D' for "Devoe"?
Paul: You know, I don't know why you let Dr. Cox push you around like that.
Elliot: Hey, do you notice that you're always telling me what to do? I mean, in a good way.
Paul: Uh-uh!
Elliot: Then, how come I'm growing my bangs out and wearing a thong?
Paul: Because you look better without the bangs. And the thong, well, that's not up to me - that's the law, missy!
Elliot: Yeah, not now. You know that I don't like kissing while I'm alphabetizing.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, you're a simpleton!
Ted: That's funny, 'cause I thought I was rubber and you were glue!
Dr. Kelso: Idiot!
Ted: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Cox: Principle Bob! Ya called?
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem! Either way, the second floor desperately needs a new computer.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass!
Ted: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon!
Ted: Boing-fwip.

Dr. Wen: Removing the old heart.
Turk: All right, J.D., get in there.
J.D.'s Narration: Turk's always looking out for me.
Turk: Told you I'd hook you up.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, my God... Here, it's my first day in surgery, and I'm actually holding a human heart!
[The heart slips out of his grip and falls to the floor.]
J.D.: We-we were done with that one, right guys?

Elliot: I was talking about U2, the band! You know what, it's fine. He probably thinks I was just saying it the way that you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not gonna be a problem.
Carla: Okay!
Ted: Uh, we have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers - That name is funny! Uh, this is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted! Everybody knows - TV themes!
Ted: That's old news, doll-face! We do commercial jingles now!
Carla: Ugh.
Band: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahhhh!
Ted: The best part of wakin' up
Band: Is Elliot in your cup! In your cup!
Elliot: That's it?
Band: By Mennen!

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. Hey! Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello? Hello?... Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Orderly: Okay.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this - and I know you will - could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: Okay. Well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, don't you understand you got half the doctors on this staff believing that if they go ahead and join team Plomox, that they got an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle? Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put a six-hundred percent mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn-sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care, either. And that's... pretty much what's making me sick; that's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry. But we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass.