Turk: Why isn't the band playing?
Laverne: In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp. The band got into 'em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass.

J.D.: Hey, where's the fuzzy cover for my one-wood?
Turk: It's on my nine-wood.
J.D.: Aw, dude! My mom made that!

Elliot: Oh, my God! You're actually getting married in a few hours! I mean, everything's gonna be all different. Carla, you never have to have sex again except for when you actually want to.
Carla: I know!!!

J.D.: So, Sean... You look...woolly.
Sean: Since Elliot left me, my life's fallen apart.
J.D.: It's been four days, Sean. Which, by the way, makes the beard all the more impressive.
Sean: I'm a quarter Hungarian.

Turk: Hey. How's it going, Mr. Fitzpatrick?
Mr. Fitzpatrick: Actually, it's Father Fitzpatrick.
Carla: Could you do us a quick favor?

Turk: Okay, Carla's dying, it's rally time. We have no band, we have no DJ. You're my best man - brainstorm.
J.D.: Remember that after-party we had in college, when the stereo went out and I ended up hooking up with that grad student from Brazil?
Turk: Yeah?
J.D.: That was awesome.
Turk: Woo hoo, you made out with a little person.
J.D.: I thought she was kneeling.

Carla: Hey, Elliot, how are you doing with this whole J.D. thing?
Elliot: I can't believe that on this day you would actually worry about how I'm doing. Carla, you're such an amazing friend.
Carla: Don't do this, Elliot. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional until after we took the pictures.

Turk: If I work this shift, I can finagle two extra days on the honeymoon.
J.D.: Ooh, nice use of "finagle."
Turk: Oh, thanks.

Worthless Peons: "(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na-"
J.D.: Ted! Church!
Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.

J.D.'s Narration: There she is! Do something charming.
J.D.: Elliot, check it out. Kelso gave me his car keys.
He tosses the keys, hitting her in the face.
Elliot: Ow! What are you doing?!
J.D.: I'm-I'm just trying to think of ways to make things right!
Elliot: Well, you can cross off keys in the face!

J.D.: Danni, what are you doing here?
Danni: We RSVP'd when we were still dating.
J.D.: You can't just crash my best friend's wedding!
Danni: I'll go halvsies on the gift.
J.D.: Right this way, please.

J.D.: I didn't steal Elliot from you, man! She just panicked 'cause you guys were moving in together!
Sean: I don't know, J.D...
J.D.: Sean, if you have any guts at all, you will show up at this wedding, take her into your... hairy arms, and tell her you want her back!... You should... probably shower first.

Scrubs Season 3 Quotes

Dr. Miller: You try and paint Dr. Kelso as this jackass who turns on people who don't do his bidding, when you were ready to write me off just for having lunch. So honestly? How are you any different?
Dr. Cox: I'm taller than he is?

Laverne: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Laverne: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.