J.D.: Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is - well, first of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter. Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up. I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her!
Danni: Well maybe it's 'cause you idealize women and no one can live up to your standards.
J.D.: Why would I idealize women?
Danni: What's your mom like?
Flashback
J.D.'s Mom: I love you, honey. You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world. And no matter how hard you look, you will never find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.
Little J.D.: I know, Mommy.
End Flashback
J.D.: My mom is perfect.

Catch me, stud!... You know, most guys woulda caught me. I love that you didn't!

Elliot

Carla: Have you been working on your vows?
Turk: Define "work."
Carla: It's the difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.
Turk: Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.

Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
Elliot: I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!... Okay, not funny yet.

Elliot: God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
J.D.: How can you not remember that time we were with those-
Elliot: Oh, God! With the two guys!
J.D.: -the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
Elliot: It was so funny!
J.D.: So funny... Till they had to... put their horse down.
Elliot: Oh, yeah...
Elliot/J.D.: Poor Cinnamon.
Elliot: He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.

Turk: You're making a big mistake.
J.D.: Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends. We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love. I mean, who-who knows what love really is?
Turk: I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future. I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut - on me, of course, not her.
J.D.: I hope so.

Turk: Anyway, uh... I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me, but I promise I will try to show you... for the rest of my life. I love you.
Carla: I love you.
Elliot: Aren't they amazing?
J.D.: I don't love you.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Please don't cry.
Elliot: Oh, I won't.
She angrily shoves him and throws him over the table
J.D.: Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
Elliot: Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
Elliot: Do you know that you have really nice hands?
J.D.: "Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
Elliot: Heh!
J.D.'s Narration: Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.

Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers! WOO! Good chicken!"
J.D.: So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.
Turk: No, now that I'm getting married tomorrow, it's about me.
Marko: Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
J.D.: I know!
Turk: Shut up, Marko!

Carla: Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second, maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
Marco/Turk: Love.
Carla: No! ME!

Carla: What's going on with you?
Dr. Cox: Let's see, Jordan and I aren't, uh...we're not fighting anymore.
Carla: Oh, no. How long has this been going on?
Dr. Cox: Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.
Carla: Why don't you get a hotel room? Pour some nice champagne, get in a tub, and rip each other new ones. You know, make it special.

Jordan: Why didn't you tell me you felt that way, you dumbass?
Dr. Cox: Because you're so much like your mother, you wouldn'ta listened anyway.
Jordan slaps him then kisses him
Dr. Cox: No biting.
Jordan: Just take it, you girl.

Scrubs Season 3 Quotes

Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Dr. Kelso

Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!