Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but, uh... beep, beep

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I can't clear his airway. Call 9-1-1! Let's go!
Turk: He'll be brain-dead by the time they get here-
Dr. Cox: Come on!
Turk: I'm gonna do an emergency trach. Lemme get a knife!... A clean knife!

I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank.

Turk

Elliot: Do you guys have any other ideas?
J.D.: You know what, I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.

I know it sounds corny, but we really made a big difference in that person's life in there. I hope she digs her new cans.

Todd

No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them except try to protect their dignity. And, of course, bet on them.

J.D.'s Narration

Yeah, now that's just a load of crap. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything is to feed the ego. Because that's what we are - ego monsters.

Dr. Cox

Jake: Elliot, please, look, everybody has their stuff. 'Kay, like me. I'm an emotional person, but I've always had trouble expressing it. Well, here, tell me... tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me, uh, tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, Buster's coming home.
Jake: Cool... See, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me.

Dr. Cox: Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: That's me, daddy.
J.D.: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Cox: And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.
J.D.: In my defense, I was up late watching a 'Designing Women' marathon.

Elliot: Listen, Jake... Look, it's not that I am never going to have sex with you! I'm going to! And, believe me, when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming, you're gonna be happy you waited!
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speakerphone.

Turk: Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because, unlike you-unlike you, I got in medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, now that's just a load of crap.

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Janitor: What's that, your new, uh, cool guy walk?
J.D.: No, I have rocks in my shoe.
J.D.'s Narration: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that short-cut through the quarry.

J.D.'s Narration: The only thing you can take solace in is that a girl like her would probably never be interested in you anyway.
Kylie: I can't believe a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend. If I was single, I'd totally snatch you up.
J.D.: Would you like to play a game of Hangman?