Elliot: Sex is disgusting!
Carla: I know, sweetie.

Jake: Elliot, please, look, everybody has their stuff. 'Kay, like me. I'm an emotional person, but I've always had trouble expressing it. Well, here, tell me... tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me, uh, tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, Buster's coming home.
Jake: Cool... See, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me.

Janitor: You paged me in the middle of a busy day! This better be important!
Dr. Kelso: What were you doing?
Janitor: Sleeping in a mop closet.

Yeah, now that's just a load of crap. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything is to feed the ego. Because that's what we are - ego monsters.

Dr. Cox

Elliot: Listen, Jake... Look, it's not that I am never going to have sex with you! I'm going to! And, believe me, when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming, you're gonna be happy you waited!
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speakerphone.

I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank.


Elliot: Oh God.
Jake: What is it?
Elliot: I just locked the door when a black guy walked by. Now he's gonna think that I think he's dangerous 'cause he's black; and not just black, but with an actual 'fro and everything - which, trust me, I don't find scary at all. Not like the zigzags and the cornrows and stuff. My life's ruined!

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately for Jake, he still had to pass muster with Turk and me. And nothing is quite as daunting as our "good guy test."
J.D.: Well, I could use a beer.
Jake: I got this round. Be right back.
J.D.: Good guy.
Turk: Great guy!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!
Dr. Kelso: Heh! If only.

Elliot: Look, I have just been thinking about all of my relationships, and every time one has potential, I go too fast and ruin everything. Long story short, Jake's not getting any.
J.D.: Oh, please, you're a half a glass of wine away from nuding up and doing your go-to move.
Turk: Which is?
J.D.: Her on top, eyes closed, yelling, "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but, uh... beep, beep

Dr. Cox

Elliot: Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Jake: Well, you...you could have just told me that.
Elliot: Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

God, I hate Christmas. I really do.

Dr. Cox

Turk: Okay, fine, I'll try. One condition: Gimme some!
She "slaps" him just as Dr. Kelso and Ted approach
Ted: Oh my God!
Dr. Kelso: I think it, and she does it!