Scrubs

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 4 Episode 23: "My Faith in Humanity"

J.D.: Hey, Hooch!
Hooch: That's my name....don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch!
 • Rating: Unrated

Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at... 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?... Ever mention any hot neighbors?
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Uh, do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?
Dr. Cox: Yes...who's Clarissa?
Elliot: She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then definitely yes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Todd: Nurse, suction.
Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.
Todd: I know.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us. And I see you brought a young, handsome buck with ya. What are you, trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal!
Betty: Who are you?
J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. Uh, I'm the one that's taken care of you the last nineteen times you've been in here. She's getting a little forgetful - you know how that happens. Are you a relative?
Jake: Uh, no, neighbor. I only met her once.
Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater!
J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory - that Sunday I spent eight hours helping you join the Wilford Brimley fan club. You don't remember that, do ya.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: If everything's all right here, I'm kind of on my way to the airport. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.
Elliot: Cool! So, what are you gonna do there?
Jake: Mostly kayaking.
 • Rating: Unrated

Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty, you're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.
Betty: Who's that?
J.D.: That's me! Betty, Dr. Dorian. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley. Steve Guttenberg. The whole day. No?
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Hey, Jake. Heh. So, uh, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, huh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a...general mustiness... Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off and...skin mold....
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Cox: Hat's off, there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: She just wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jake: Yeah? About what?
J.D.: Just about how and when she should die.
Jake: Oh, that's not a problem. I counsel most of my random neighbors on their deathbeds.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!
Jake: No, it's more like fourteen hours.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.
J.D.: Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.
Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.
J.D.: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Janitor: Elliot. My neighbor fainted too! Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing - I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor. I thought we were done with this?
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Ugh. Just...put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall!
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot's Narration: Oh my God, here he comes. Okay, this is easy, just compliment him - tell him he has a square head. That's not a compliment! What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle! Circle head! Oh my God, you're stuck on shapes and Square-Head's almost here!
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: I've been hitting you.
J.D.: Yeah, you're like the brown Hulk.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, he wouldn't've been able to do it if it weren't for his secret weapon...
J.D.: Dr. John Dorian.
Jake: What?
J.D.: Wha?
Jake: You just said your name in a weird kinda summing-up way.
J.D.: No I didn't, Jake.
Dennis: Ah, so you're Jake! Uh, as I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life. Long story short: I'm a lawyer, I'm suing you. Once again: Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!
J.D.: See, that's summing up in a weird way.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!
J.D.: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D., but what I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kayak paddle, and go Greg Barton on your ass.
J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?
Jake: He's a famous kayaker.
J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton!
Jake: I hate you, J.D.
J.D.: I know.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done, and I was a cutter for a week in high school - my shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that is a whole other story. The point is your advice really worked with Jake, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this, uh, prescription. You'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
 • Rating: Unrated

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