Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, he wouldn't've been able to do it if it weren't for his secret weapon...
J.D.: Dr. John Dorian.
Jake: What?
J.D.: Wha?
Jake: You just said your name in a weird kinda summing-up way.
J.D.: No I didn't, Jake.
Dennis: Ah, so you're Jake! Uh, as I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life. Long story short: I'm a lawyer, I'm suing you. Once again: Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!
J.D.: See, that's summing up in a weird way.

J.D.'s Narration: As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy, and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.
Flashback
Therapist: Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that?
Turk: No, not really.

(Panting) They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!

Janitor

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done, and I was a cutter for a week in high school - my shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that is a whole other story. The point is your advice really worked with Jake, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this, uh, prescription. You'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.

Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.
Jake: Hi. I need some help. My neighbor fainted and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.
Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny, you've got a phone call.
Jenny: Uh, I'll call them back.
Elliot: Your mom died.
Jenny: WHAT?!
Elliot: Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. Got you, Jenny! Dead mom jokes - always funny. Heh.

Elliot: Hey, Jake. Heh. So, uh, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, huh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a...general mustiness... Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off and...skin mold....

That's a cute couple. I give 'em a week.

Dr. Cox

Elliot: Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?
Jake: Oh, heh, I've had better days. How are you?
Flashback
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Barbacious, you gotta stay the course here. You gotta keep ignoring him.
Elliot: But I am already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?
Dr. Cox: Aha. Piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.
End Flashback
Jake: Elliot? I said, How are you?
Elliot: I actually don't have time for this, okay? I'm a doctor!
Jake: But you asked me how I was.
Elliot: Yeah, trying to save lives here. It's not always about you!

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. (Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs) You look ridiculous.
Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
J.D.: Enough with the mustaches, dude!

Todd: Nurse, suction.
Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.
Todd: I know.

Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy. This is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liason into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.

Jordan

Was she always wearing that big hat?

Dr. Cox