No Carla, men don’t love that. It turns out that we don’t love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so we can relax. And always we’re not that big on Hugh Jackman. The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carfully, ignore the living hell out of him.

Dr. Cox

Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!

Turk: I've been hitting you.
J.D.: Yeah, you're like the brown Hulk.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. (Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs) You look ridiculous.
Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
J.D.: Enough with the mustaches, dude!

J.D.'s Narration: Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says goodbye.
Turk: Okay, I'll see you around.
(He socks J.D. in the arm hard)
J.D.: Agh!... Peace, homey!

J.D.: Hey, Hooch!
Hooch: That's my name....don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch!

Oh my God, here he comes. Okay, this is easy, just compliment him - tell him he has a square head. That's not a compliment! What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle! Circle head! Oh my God, you're stuck on shapes and Square-Head's almost here!

Elliot's Narration

Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty, you're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.
Betty: Who's that?
J.D.: That's me! Betty, Dr. Dorian. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley. Steve Guttenberg. The whole day. No?

J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us. And I see you brought a young, handsome buck with ya. What are you, trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal!
Betty: Who are you?
J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. Uh, I'm the one that's taken care of you the last nineteen times you've been in here. She's getting a little forgetful - you know how that happens. Are you a relative?
Jake: Uh, no, neighbor. I only met her once.
Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater!
J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory - that Sunday I spent eight hours helping you join the Wilford Brimley fan club. You don't remember that, do ya.

J.D.'s Narration: Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire. But around here, every time you round a corner, well...
(A couple are talking to a doctor, the woman's face bruised and swollen.)
Husband: She fell again.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at... 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?... Ever mention any hot neighbors?

Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Elliot: I missed you guys so much.
Carla: Mmm. Oh, come over tonight! We're looking at wedding pictures.
Elliot: Ooh! There's this one picture of me right after I got sick off my... third champagne and Red Bull, and my hair is kind of like sexy-messy, and the photographer said he could airbrush all of the puke off my dress.
Carla: Already made doubles.