I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!


Nobody is sicker than me.


(to Jerry) Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.


Elaine: Who'd you punch?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.

Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that's a fantasy camp.


Jerry's whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!


Jerry is dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!


I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!


Why don't we just say give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, if they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving.


Elaine: Snapple?
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.

Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
Cheryl: I understand.

(to Jerry) You're a very bad man.


Seinfeld Quotes

Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.


Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.