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Look at me, I can't go to jail. I might as well wear heels.


Maybe a vulva, I hear those are real safe.

Sheila [about a car]

Ian: Hey Fiona? I'm gay.
Fiona: I know.

I banged Filipino hookers in the Navy that look more innocent than my niece.

Bar Patron

Carl: They give you a cavity search.
Lip: No we weren't there long enough, think it was probably on the menu though.

You're Frank's kid? And this is your first felony bust? Gettin a little late start for a Gallagher, aren't ya.

Cop [to Lip]

Aww you guys popped your cherry! Hey you see my dad in there?


Candace: More cookies to sell?
Debbie: Is Jimmy here?
Candace: No he's back at school in Michigan.
Debbie: No, he's living 96 blocks away on the Southside, dating my sister, stealing cars, and going by the name of Steve.

So uh, Kev, just out of curiosity, you happen to know the age of consent in Illinois?

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