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Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: All better.
- Permalink: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was...
Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No, you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it's my office, and...
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.
- Permalink: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. In...
Dwight: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
- Permalink: Do you know what this is? Yes. It's marijuana. How do you kn...
And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.Dwight
- Permalink: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's dep...
I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.Dwight
- Permalink: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four excepti...
So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.Jim
- Permalink: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Whic...
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.
- Permalink: You look cute today, Dwight. Thanks, girl.
Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?
- Permalink: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you. That's r...
Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.
- Permalink: That is Northern Lights. Cannabis indica. No, it's marijuana.
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
- Permalink: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys. I...
Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim: Oh, um. "Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
Stanley: Is that supposed to be me?
Jim: Oh, hey, Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam: He does everyone in the office.
Stanley: Hmph. [leaves]
Jim and Pam: "I do not think that is funny."
- Permalink: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to h...
Dwight: It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.
- Permalink: 23 exactly, the exact moment you emerged from your mother's vagi...