The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite The Simpsons Quotes
(Homer and Marge enjoy the buffet at a wake.)
Marge: Oh Homer, you gotta try this roast beef au jus.
(Homer takes a bite.)
Homer: Mmm! Au jus! Not quite gravy, not quite blood.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers visit the morgue.)
Mr. Burns: Ah, nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let's see, (Points) I'll take his liver, a case of Adam's apples, (Points) that motorcycle man's mustache.
Smithers: Oh, the money you've contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, young people are my future.
(In the dressing room after Homer's first performance.)
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer (Worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no. It's a good thing.
Homer: (Relieved) Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't till next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.
(to Julia) So, did you see the show tonight? Remember the part where I forgot the words and I just sang "Uh-oh Spaghetti-os"? I'm hoping they send me a case.
Homer
Marge: Homer, we're trapped! Your fans will rip us to pieces!
Homer: Not me. They love me.
(Placido Domingo towel snaps Homer in the locker room after a performance.)
Placido Domingo: Nice set, Homer. That was a hot one.
Homer: Wow, praise from Placido Domingo.
Placido Domingo: Just call me P-Dingo.
Homer: Ehh, I'll think about it.
Mr. Burns: My boy, you are a star.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: An opera star.
Homer: (Disappointed) Oh.
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.
Homer: Well, you're always telling me I should eat more dirt.
Dr. Hibbert: Not dirt, vegetables!
Homer: Which grow in what?
When you married a man who would years later, without warning, become a tow-truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.
Homer
Carl: It sure is nice not having Homer around to tell us where we can and can't park.
Lenny: Yeah. Without the crushing rule of law, society will do a better job of regulating itself.
Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away.)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That's the toolbar.
Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don't go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans.)
(Louie explains the perks of being a tow truck driver to Homer.)
Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie: I don't call in sick, I work when I want to.
Homer: Sometimes you want to work?
Louie: Hey, I get to drive around, eat when I want to, eyeball the highway honeys--(Honks his horn at a woman on the street.)
Woman: I'm your aunt, stupid!
Louie: and lasso the street cattle.
Homer: Street cattle?
Louie: The cars I tow, I got all kinds of names for them: She-atas, Hebrew canoes, spam cans, Swedish speedballs, and of course, stretch lame-os.
Homer: Some of those were pretty funny.
